 Getting Better All the Time |
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I suppose it's time for a year end review. It's not something I approach with any sense of bravery. I'm kind of scared to look back at the past year, but I'm going to do it, and even though these entries do not by any stretch of the imagination cover everything that happened this year, they cover much of it, so I'm going to do it by looking through the archives of this journal. Here I go. January I started off the year signing up for Weight Watchers in the attempt to drop a few pounds before the wedding. I was deep deep in the throes of the stress and excitement of wedding planning. I attended the annual Mardi Gras ball with my friends. We planned our honeymoon in Asheville. February The month started out with much of the same. We were counting points and counting days until April 25. We spent a lovely Valentine's Day evening at an Italian restaurant. The wedding stress was starting to mount, and we were both feeling it. He was apparently feeling things I never expected and dropped the bomb two days before my birthday that he was having doubts. I turned 28 and spent my birthday evening, the last day of the month, over calzones and loving assurances that it would all work out and we would stay together no matter what. I haven't eaten a calzone since. March The month in which I fell apart. The wedding was off. He moved out. Our relationship was over. Off, out, over. Lots of sad prepositions and propositions. Sleeping ceased indefinitely. I went into therapy. He was already seeing someone else. My weight loss began in earnest because I could not be bothered to do anything but breathe and somehow show up for work every day as the busy season approached. Overall: wretchedness, anguish, despair, and basically the emotional nadir of my entire life. April Processing it all, or trying to. Trying to small happinesses in little things and moments. I read and loved The Secret Life of Bees. I decided to throw myself party on April 25. May I went to a tremendously fun concert and heard what would become my anthem for this year. I mulled over whether or not to attend my high school reunion. I got drunk a lot and hooked up with an old friend. I spent Memorial Day having fun at the lake. The serial killer was caught and I stopped being so terrified that my mother, my friends, or I would be murdered; I started sleeping a little bit better. June I got drunk some more and hooked up some more. I contemplated things left to say. I attended my high school reunion weighing 119 pounds because I kept losing weight without meaning to. My friends and I had a really good time. July I went to New York for the 4th of July, met my friend's cool new boyfriend, and saw my other friend pregnant for the first time. I read and loved Everything Is Illuminated. I weaned myself off of the Effexor I began taking in March in order to function. It made me feel extremely shitty and I began to tell anyone who will listen never to get on the drug because the getting off part is so heinous. Ceasing the medication brought out a lot of emotion, but that was kind of the point. August My sister moved back to town. I went to the beach with my family and ate so much cheesecake that I realized I had started to eat again. I scanned and hung a lot of old photos of my grandparents in my house, and it was a project that made me happy. I stopped hooking up with my friend. My grandmother died at the age of 97. September I decided to train for a 5K but didn't actually do it. My friend got married. Family gathered from far and wide for my grandmother's funeral. My sister, cousin, and I wrote the prayers of the faithful and I read them at the funeral mass. We eschewed the typical boring prayers and instead wrote that we hope her heaven is one of endless Scrabble games, jigsaw puzzles, angel food cakes, weather forecasts, and Jeopardy. I heard from S. after her death and it kind of freaked me out for a minute. I spent $1450 on a musculoskeletal splint for my jaw because I was grinding my teeth into oblivion. I took back my ring. I contemplated forgiveness. I surprised myself by enjoying football as a historic season got underway. I spent a lot of time watching Sports Night. October I got an email from Ellen Emerson White, a favorite author. I saw Lost in Translation, which is one of my top three films of the year. I went to Austin. I wondered who the fuck I am and what the fuck I'm doing. I found out by accident that S. might be married. November I tried to convince a reader that she will get over her first love. I got highly stressed about work. I blew off some steam working at the parish fair and rescuing a cat from a rooftop. A stranger told me I am brave. In a lifechanging turn, I bought a TiVo. December I processed the survival of Thanksgiving and finding out S. is married and decided never go back into that hole. I voiced some unanswered questions and came to terms with the fact that they will remain unanswered. I almost blew myself to kingdom come while inflating a tire. My friend had her baby on my late grandfather's birthday. I took some kids ice skating. I was impressed by my sister, and she and my brother celebrated their birthday. I did some partying and had a nice Christmas and finished the year with a great movie and a great book. Just for posterity, my top three books of 2003 were (in order of reading) The Secret Life of Bees, Everything Is Illuminated, and The Brothers K. My top three movies of 2003 were (in order of seeing) Lost in Translation, Return of the King, and In America. Hopefully by the end of 2004, I will finish Life of Pi. I guess it would be easy for me to say that 2003 was the worst year of my life, and truthfully, in many ways, it was. But I finish it knowing, as I have always known, that it could have been so much worse. My family and my friends and my dogs and my cats are healthy. I have a good job and a house and can pay my bills with a little leftover for sushi, peppermint mochas, DVDs, and books. I realized this year that I have the love and support of a lot of people, both in real life and online, who were there for me in a way I never could have anticipated, and I will never be able to express properly to any of them the depth of my gratitude. A shitty thing happened to me this year, and I have not finished processing it, and I have not yet forgiven S. or decided if I even should or want to. But my life is not shitty. My life is so blessed that it could really make a person about barf. He lied to me and left me and it fucked me up in ways that I am going to spend a lot of time trying to fix inside myself, but while I do that, so many others have stayed around for me to love and to love me, and I'm still able to believe that they're not going anywhere. And that, above all, is what I want to remember about this year. I have one New Year's Resolution. It's the wish that I took from each movie and each book and each person that I loved this year. And that is to be brave.
© Copyright 2003 elb |
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