December 3, 2003 Kyan's Pull-Up Saved It

I am reminded by World AIDS Day that it might be time for me to get tested again. When S. and I got tested together, there was much rejoicing in the land, but it occurs to me now that into the dumpster of the duped, along with every other belief I had about him, goes the assumption that he was monogamous, and as much as it infuriates me, sickens me, and scares me to acknowledge that, it would be stupid not to. So I'm gradually acknowledging it. After getting up the balls to get tested last time -- even though I really didn't think I would be positive, it is still a frightening thing to do -- somehow lets me know that I'm not a person who can just tra la la la la my way through the odds are I don't have it dance. The short time I spent volunteering at an AIDS organization and holding those sick babies in my lap taught me that it's just better to fucking know and deal with it. So, yeah. Yet another delightful legacy of doubt and uncertainty left by this man I trusted with my heart and my life. Thanks! Appreciate the hospitality. ::: I was worried that my Queer Eye love was going to wane due to overexposure, but I really liked the Mountain Man dad episode (even though I strangely thought he looked better with the beard and long hair) and I LOVED the bald dad episode last week (which I thought was one of the most hilarious and most touching ever), so I was encouraged that my love would remain steadfast. But last night's episode with the VJ was utterly soulless. It was so evident that none of the guys liked him, and he was such a stick in the mud, and none of his reactions seemed even remotely genuine, and I just thought he was kind of an assface. It just had a lukewarm feeling and I hope that I never see an episode that blah again. It was worth watching just to ogle Kyan as he performed that spontaneous pull-up on the dressing room door to warn, "You'd better be nice to my friend Carson!" But other than that -- blah. It will not be an episode I ever care to watch again. ::: Annegrrl is delicious. She's the very first online journaler I ever met. I got this email from her today: I almost died when I read about your Thanksgiving and wanted to be one more voice telling you how amazing you are and how sorry that little fuck will be sooner rather than later. I said to my friend Angie, you should read her writing; it’s incredible. Angie asked me how, and I said that you remind me of Dana Whitaker. There was a pause, and she said, "How come you never give me superlative compliments like that?" And it made me laugh and cry a little all at the same time. And that's just Annegrrl for you. get notified. journal archives © Copyright 2003 elb

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