September 23, 2004


So, some thoughts on television and love of late.

Watching the finale of The Amazing Race was a visceral experience. I was writhing on the couch as they did the quick cuts between the top two teams in their cabs on the way to the final pit stop. I actually screamed, "I can't take it!" Needless to say, I was thrilled with the outcome. I can't even remember the last time one of these blasted reality shows was won by someone I thought actually deserved to win. Ken and Gerard? No. Boston Rob? No. Chip and Kim? Yes. Finally! My friend applied for the seventh installment of the show (the sixth will air later this fall), and she still hasn't heard anything. Does anyone have any scoop on this? Have they already started calling people? Applications were due in August. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

I was very excited for Lost because of Charlie Salinger and Merry Brandybuck. I liked it, but it kind of squicked me out. I don't really relish seeing plane crashes or imagining what it would be like to have one's back stitched up with a sewing needle with no anesthetic. I think I'll watch it again. Matthew Fox is still really good and really hot.

I watched Veronica Mars because it's been getting great reviews and because of the star, whom I first saw in some Lifetime movie or some shit. It was actually one of the best Lifetime movies I've ever seen. Anne Heche, who was deservedly nominated for an Emmy for her role because she might be crazy but she can still act, was a shitty mom, and Veronica Mars played the eldest child who took over the family. Veronica Mars kicked some ass in that Lifetime movie, and she's pretty much kicking ass on her new show, too. It was weird, but it was interesting, and so much thick and juicy character and plot information was introduced in the pilot that I could not help but want more. And come on, Tim Bayliss is in this! And her dead best friend was played by one of the Mean Girls (a movie I watched not once but twice on the flight home from London and loved every second of)! I have no idea how long this show will last, because I think most people don't even realize that UPN is still a network now that Buffy's gone, but we'll see. It replays tomorrow night on UPN, so I'd check it out if you have a chance.

I'll definitely be watching Desperate Housewives for two reasons, Felicity and Huffman. And I will check out Kevin Hill for Taye and Diggs. But other than that, I am trying to put the lid on my new show explorations. I've basically given up on Jack and Bobby because Bobby annoys me, and I don't even want to watch a show where the two teenage love interests don't end up together because he dies and she marries his annoying younger brother. I don't know. And Christine Lahti's diatribes are just too much. I respect the fact that this show tried to do something really different, and I still like the concept, but Jack is just too hot to be alone and dead in my mind this early on.

I caught part of Oprah after the Show last night while I was cooking dinner, and it had the authors of He's Just Not That Into You, and I have to say, the topic struck a chord. They addressed how men will say that they're just not ready to get married, and then a few months later, they'll turn up married to someone else, harkening back to when Sally wailed about Joe to Harry, "He just met her. She's suppose to be his transitional person, she's not suppose to be the ONE. All this time I've been saying that he didn't want to get married, but the truth is, he didn't want to marry me." Sing it, Sally. Sing it. Sorry, but he just wasn't that into you. And guess what, he wasn't that into me, either.

And you know what? Fuck men like that! Fuck them for just not being honest about not being that into you in the first place! Or fuck them for not giving you some notice if once they were but now they're not, they're really into someone they just met who is highly unsuitable for them but oh well they shall reap what they sow! Fuck them!

The authors were also like, fuck men who call women who want things and need things and expect those things "high maintenance!" Strike that term from your vocabularies! And I have to agree. And it was basically about how to cease being a doormat and not to grasp for crumbs when you deserve so much more.

And it made me feel a little sad, the whole show, but it also made me feel kind of empowered. Because lately I've actually been having thoughts, like, I don't need to really be in love as long as he can give me a baby because that's all that matters to me at this point. And that is ridiculous. I might not need to be in love, but I want to be, and just because there are lots of complete liars and pricks out there doesn't mean that they all are. I don't know.

I have no idea if this is book is total crap or how much advice once should take from Sex & the City writers, but it's less about taking their advice per se, I think, than just the way they presented this common sense information -- it was palatable because it was done in a bare bones, funny, like, duh, kind of a way. Realizing the duh factor is clear and easy when you're not in it; it's when you are in it that you need these ideas to be stored in the back of your brain or be relayed to you by your friends because when you're in it, sometimes you just can't see it. I like the idea of reminding myself, even thought I'm not in it right now. Right? Right.

They were saying that you should run relationships like you would a business, and you would never take such shit from a client or even a friend, so why take it in romantic relationship? I wanted to say, well, romantic relationships are complicated by emotions and feelings like lust and love and longing and and hopes and dreams and agonizingly imperfect human beings, so of course some of that practical sensibility goes out the window, but the basic idea is that you should hone your bullshit detector, and most importantly, retain your pride, so it won't.

And even though I am not currently dating, it made me feel a little more ready and confident about doing so. Like I feel more preemptively aware of what is and is not acceptable to me when and if I ever do. Because so what if the guy turns out to be a jerk? I am better than that, so fuck him in advance! And fuck S., wherever the hell he is and whomever the hell he's married to and fuck whatever the time and the place and the reason he married her because none of that concerns me ANYMORE! Fuck all the excuse makers and assholes, and fuck me if I put up with it for one tiny instant! I am going to a cocktail party this weekend, and I am going to look very hot, and I might even respond to some online personal profiles. Oh yes, I just might! So take that, insecurity! Take that, weak and scared part of self who is just keeping self down! Take that, stupid, stupid, stupid part of self who never EVER should have taken S. back in the first damn place and will know better next time if there ever is a next time!

"And you learn, and you learn, with every goodbye you learn." And you know what I'm learning, that I've been learning for all this time, even though it's taken me a lot longer than maybe it should have, is that that goodbye was not about me. It was not about me. I might never understand what happened, but I can understand that.


I want to fall in love and find a partner, a good man who keeps his promises and who will be a good father. And then I would like to listen to "Elysium" by Mary Chapin Carpenter, a song she wrote about a drive she took with her husband on the day that they met, and I would like sing the words at the top of my lungs. I already do the latter on a regular basis, but rather than doing so in my car with the sunroof open and the windows rolled down, I'd like to have someone to sing them to. Because more than anything, I think, I want to believe that "sometimes you get there in spite of the route."

And because I want to believe in this:

I could wonder if all of it led me to you
I could show you the arrows and circles I drew
I didn't have a map, it's the best I could do
On the fly and on the run
To dreams that were tethered like kites to the ground
To the bridges I burned, to then turning around
It was here in your heart I was finally found
And the last battle won
For elysium

About this time in ...



She said that when a person lives long enough, she experiences the end of the world several times over. And she asks, "How do you survive the end of the world?"



"Alright, my little trivia vixen, give me a category, musical, comedy, but no Disney movies!!"



I had an incredible British Lit teacher in college who said that we start feeling different the first time we put on a sweater in the fall.

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