September 5, 2003 I Will if You Will

I am sitting here trying to decide what I want to say as my friend's wedding approaches. About my friend and to my friend. Some readers might recall a ferociously angry entry I posted a few months ago about a situation my friend was facing in which I announced my hatred toward her significant other for the whole world to hear. I meant every word of that entry at the time, but I pulled it, which I rarely if ever do, because I decided it wasn't really my place to be saying horrible (albeit deserved) things so publicly about the guy my friend was planning to marry. As the months have passed, I've been dealing with my thoughts about the situation, my friend, the guy, the baby, the wedding, and the whole shebang. And I raged against this man in my head, and I questioned what in the hell my friend could be thinking to marry him, and I wondered how I could even stand up in their wedding and read a beautiful passage about love and pretend to be happy for them, and I had actual nightmares about seeing the guy for the first time and the horror of extending my hand to him. I would wake up in a sweat. I'm not kidding. In a twisted way, I could not fathom how this was the wedding that was actually happening and mine was the one that was not. How was that possible? How was that fair? I had no idea how to reconcile my feelings of disgust for his behavior with my sense of loyalty to my friend, and I wondered what loyalty even meant. Did it mean grinning and bearing it even though I was appalled that she was marrying him? Or did it mean being honest with her about what my opinion was? And somehow as the months went on, I realized that, hello, I had already made my opinion very clear, not only in the initial aftermath of the shit hitting the fan during which we had intense, long, emotional, screaming, wailing arguments about it, but in all of the near-daily conversations and emails I have exchanged with my friend since then during which I made no mention of him, their relationship, or their upcoming nuptials. We completely talked around it. I never mentioned his name. If she did, I changed the subject. I didn't even realize I was doing it at first. And then I started to realize that I was being a complete shit of a friend. And imagined how it would feel if I were getting married and one of my best friends completely ignored that fact and the mere existence of my fiancé and the father of my unborn child and was excited about the baby but only as if it had been conceived in a vacuum. And I started to feel very uncomfortable with myself and my behavior and my attitude and the fact that somehow I was putting my own stubbornness and judgementalness ahead of my friend's feelings, which was just wrong. And I started realizing that I had both explicitly (ranting and raving about him) and implicitly (ignoring his existence) made my opinion known to her. And that in the end, my opinion does not matter. Because it's not about my opinion. And that I for one second forgot that galls me and shames me. There is no need for me to be standing by any so-called priniciples or pride or posturing like I am some all-knowing beacon of moral fortitude. Because clearly I am not. It's just not my place to be standing around acting like I know what is best. Because I don't. It's not my life, it's not my man, it's not my baby, it's not my marriage. My friend is 28 years old and can make her own choices. I can say that I wouldn't do the same if I were in her shoes, but I can't know that. And really, the only putting myself in her shoes that I should be doing should not be "what might I have done if this were my life?" but "how might I feel if this were my life?" And I realize when I think that way that I might feel scared. And betrayed, and mortified, and angry, and worried, and anxious, and brave, and excited, and hopeful. And if there is any time in anyone's life when a person needs her friends, it's at a time when she might be feeling all of those emotions and probably a million more. It's not my business. It's not my life. It's hers. And this is what has happened, and these are the choices that she has made. And I'm not going to make it about my opinion anymore. Because my opinion is now simply that it's her life and I will be here for her no matter what happens. I picked out a card recently with a picture of two young girls on it and said something like, "'I will if you will' is one of the best things to hear from a friend." And this is what I wrote inside, and basically, it says everything that I want to say. As I'm sure you know, it was with mixed emotions that I received the news of your nuptials. I felt worry, concern, confusion, and even a little envy in a bizarre way, but mostly worry. But as the day draws nearer that you begin your marriage, I find that I cannot help but be filled with hope, and instead of fretting over the circumstances through which you have arrived at this place in your life, all I want to do is look forward with the prayer that people can change and that seemingly insurmountable obstacles can be overcome, because they are every day in this fucked up world, aren't they? And who am I to say that it's not possible here? I want you to know that I respect your decision and your choice. I don't say that lightly, and I don't even know if I could have said it a few months ago. But I do. And you have my support, and God help me, so does he. And I don't know why I feel like I need to make a big announcement saying that, but I figure that we've been through enough in the past nearly twenty years that I want to make my position known, damn it. As the words in your ceremony capture so perfectly, it's not about the wedding day. It's about every day after that and I will be here for you every step of the way, not just for you but for you and him together and for the baby. That said, I must also say that if he hurts you again, I will beat him to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. (tm Willow, Buffy the Vampire Slayer) In closing, I chose this card because I love what it says. You're no dummy, and you're entering this marriage with the belief that you two can make it work. And if you can believe, I can believe. If you will, I will. And this is just all to say that even though circumstances now prohibit me from actually attending this wedding, I will be supporting it from afar, and remembering the good and bad times we've all had together in friendship, and knowing that it's not only marriage that's for better or worse, and standing up for my friend even though I will only be there in spirit. And if I were to see him, I would look him in the eyes and extend my hand with a heart full of hope that a person can be better than the worst things he has done. And I will hope that he proves me right. So here's to them both, from a thousand miles away. get notified. journal archives © Copyright 2003 elb