May 14, 2003 A Little More Doubt

Someone close to me experiences a lot of uncertainty in her relationship. Will it last? Is he the one for me? Am I the one for him? Can we ever make it work? And I was thinking that as hard as that must be (and I know it's gut-wrenchingly hard), I almost envied her for a moment. Because maybe if you're uncertain, it's easier in the end, because at least you've prepared yourself. You've expected it, at least in the back of your mind. You've steeled your heart for the moment. And I felt horrible for thinking that way, because I love this person, and I know she lives with a lot of pain over this. And I hated myself for wishing that I had been more like her. That I had had a little more doubt. (Even just a little.) That the man I loved had not been so constant and devoted and assuring and that I had not trusted him so much not to hurt me, not to leave me, not to get up one day out of the blue and decide to walk away. And I wonder what's better. Living every day believing in another person and believing with everything in you -- not just you, but both of you, as a couple, as partners, or so it seems -- that this is right, this person and this life, and being blindsided to the point of a shattering insanity when it ends ... or living every day doubting that it's right but hoping against hope and loving and trying and wishing and waiting to see how it all turns out. I guess either way, it's heartbreaking. Either in the end or every day. And that's not something I would wish for either one of us. If I hadn't believed in you, I wouldn't have loved you at all. get notified. journal archives © Copyright 2003 elb