 Weekend Wrap-Up |
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On Friday night, I decided to stay in and relax. I went to Barnes and Noble and bought Atonement and Last Chance Saloon and then bought myself a frozen pizza. It's not delivery, it's DiGiorno! Oh, the high life! I got up on Saturday and ended up going to the pool at J.'s apartment with two daiquiris, one for me, and one for him, both of which I drank. I didn't have my swimsuit and tried to read by the pool in my clothes but it was so hot that I went in fully dressed. We all just floated around for a while and I fled when I felt myself getting very sunburned in my tank top and shorts. I went home, took a bath, and passed out with the air conditioner blasting, woke up, ate two slices of leftover pizza, applied massive quantities of moisturizer, and heard the doorbell ring. J. and his sister kidnapped me and we proceeded to go to, oh, I don't know, five or six or seven bars? Wait. Seven. I just counted in my head. The hell? We played pool, we did shots, I drank 800 screwdrivers, we danced at the cheesiest bar in this town, we tried to go to the casino but there was a line of cars too long to deal with. After a night of blatant flirtitious banter and my telling him fifty times all the reasons why we could not go home together, I caved. Here's an email I sent to him this morning: I just want to say this for the record! I don't think that one night of getting naked is going to jeopardize our friendship because it was fun and inevitable and harmless. But we need to draw the line for the sake of our friendship. I want to keep hanging out with you because it's a blast, and you've been a true friend to me and invited me to go out when I've just stared into space like a catatonic zombie and now that I'm coming out of my shell again and singing in public like a freaky drunk. I really appreciate it more than you know. Anyway, we've been down similar roads before and it's turned completely retarded every time, so can we please just agree here and now that we will both respect that boundary at the end of the night? Please -- it is important to me -- I just need us to be friends right now with no hanky panky!! You think you've seen me crazy before? You have no idea how crazy I am right now. Taking the "will they or won't they" factor out of things once and for all will really make it easier for me when we hang out together. Trust me on this one! It is for the best! Thanks for understanding. You know I still love you more than my looseleaf. Love, your old pal, Eliza And I mean it. I really do. I know this sounds terrible, but upon reflection, I am glad to get kissing someone else over with, and it was comfortable and silly and fun to kiss someone I've kissed a zillion times before. He's a dear friend, and we have a hysterically good time together, and we love each other, but I just cannot go there right now. Mainly because I just can't deal with that yet and also because I would never EVER EVER set myself up to have any kind of involvement with someone who is such a blatant womanizer. I mean, what am I, crazy? I might have done it in the past, but after what I've been through, NEVER AGAIN. I've learned that no matter how much someone might tell you he's changed (and no matter how hard he tries), chances are that he hasn't. Maybe it's possible, but I'm not going to take that chance. It's just the dumbest thing that I could possibly do. A person's past behavior tells you a lot about what his future behavior might be. Live it. Learn it. Love it. Plus, my therapist would kill me. Oh my Lord, I just got an IM from him that said, "oh yeah, and thanks for the hickey. i feel like i'm in high school." Jesus Christ! Mortification. Mother of GOD. Inner poise, inner poise, moving on, inner poise. Last night the family met up at afternoon mass for Mother's Day and we ate crawfish etouffee and shrimp and angel hair pasta for dinner and this sinful frozen dessert that my mom makes with pecans and oats and ice cream and caramel. Inevitably, partly because my mom invited the choir director to dinner, but mostly because we are a family of sheer geeks, it turned to Song Time, as it always does. My sister and brother each played a couple of songs they've written on the guitar and the choir guy played one, too. It was fun. I was so deliriously tired from the night before that I went home fairly early. I just want to point out that my siblings are musical geniuses. One of my sister's songs made me weep. I'd quote some of the lyrics, but who knows, maybe she'll sell it one day and I would not want to blow that for her. Seriously! I am serious. It is the utterly perfect expression of her and who she is and what she feels. She amazes me.  I've been listening to The Last Five Years by Jason Robert Brown all weekend. Melissa has never steered me wrong when it comes to music. We've been sharing quotes and lyrics with each other for a lot of years now, and somehow she always knows the right thing to say. She sent me the lyrics to "Still Hurting," and at first I thought there was no way in hell that I could deal with these songs right now, but I love it. I love it so much. It is breaking my heart, but I love it. I coasted along for so many weeks trying not to feel anything. It almost feels good to feel what this music makes me feel. It makes me remember and imagine and hurt and hope.
© Copyright 2003 elb |
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