May 10, 2004

Big & Small Screens

On Friday night, my brother and I went to see Van Helsing. We ate popcorn and skittles and drank frozen cokes and proceeded to laugh our way through the next two+ hours. I was ready to leave fifteen minutes in to see Mean Girls instead, but he made me stay because he said he'd never seen me so excited to see a movie before. (I didn't even realize that the duke from Moulin Rouge played Dracula.) Faramir's funny portrayal of a very Marshall-like friar was basically the only redeeming thing in the film. I heard a morning DJ say in his review that this movie is so loud that it's like sitting in your car with the radio turned all the way up while lying on the horn and screaming at the top of your lungs simultaneously but that that's not enough to keep it from being more boring than a two hour lecture on economics delivered by John Stevens. And I have to say that, my love for Hugh notwithstanding, truer words were never spoken. I got a voicemail from my brother yesterday in which he said in a falsetto Transylvanian accent, "I've never seen the sea. I bet it's beautiful," and then hung up. And these are the ties that bind.


In other surprise bits of casting, I never realized that Anna from The O.C. played one of the Deadheads on Freaks and Geeks or that Brittany Murphy, still in full-on Tai mode appearance-wise, played a complete bitch in a few early episodes of Party of Five. These things really fascinate me more than they should.


I found out at Mother's Day dinner last night that my brother made it to the last thirty-five people in the casting process of the reality show for which he auditioned. He was flown to Dallas, met Mark Cub@n, and the casting director told him that what lost him his probable slot was his admission that he cannot stomach The B@chelor while on the live phone interview with a man who was one of that show's producers. She told him she really thought he would have made it if not for that. Whether that's true or not, I don't know, but I am really glad that at least he got that far, because he really did work hard in the audition process even though it's all totally absurd and that he heard something rather than just being left out in the dust with the masses.


And speaking of reality shows, you know I rushed home from our Mother's Day dinner to watch the Survivor finale. I have not been as interested in one of these finales since the first one that I watched with Anne in New York in the summer of 2000.

I don't know why I got so into All-Stars, but I did. Wait, I totally know. It was all about Boston Rob for me. I was captivated by him! I am not kidding! I still can't really believe that he and Amber actually made it to the final two. And the night proved that nobody should ever again be allowed to host the reunion special but Jeff Probst. Say what you will about him, but nobody thinks on his feet during the unexpected (like Jerri's tantrum), reigns in the survivors when they start pontificating, and hits them where it hurts better than he does.

I totally think that my Rob deserved to win and that he is one of the best if not the best all-around player in this history of this show. That Tom, Lex, and Alicia overlooked that because of immaturity and spite just makes them look like assholes. Shii Ann shocked me by showing a lick of sense in her comments last night, and I wish she would have acted as sensibly in making her vote, but whatever. I never thought that Kathy and Rupert would be rational enough to vote for the most deserving player, but they surprised me. And Jenna, well, she impressed me all around. She was a gracious loser, and she encouraged Rob and Amber not to apologize like a bunch of simps for the way they played, and she voted for Rob like anyone with a brain in her head would do. I was somewhat annoyed by her plea for America to vote for Rupert (you can watch the cast videos at the CBS website, and some are entertaining and some are revolting, as expected) to win the million dollars, but she was so spastic and intoxicated while doing it that I actually found her kind of endearing. That said, I will puke with great vehemence if Rupert wins the viewers' choice million dollar giveaway. Why does America love Rupert so much? He is a smarmy, sexist, arrogant blowhard who always has food bits in his beard, and I really, really, really, really, REALLY DO NOT WANT HIM TO WIN.

As for the proposal, I thought it was cute, mainly because their parents were embracing and jumping up and down in a way that makes it seem like the families really have bonded and that the couplehood is really for real. I am refusing to allow myself to cynically think that Rob is just marrying her in his neverending attempt to get his hands on the million dollars. I would really like these two to fade from the limelight and live happily ever after and bear a couple of gold chain-sporting babies, and if they get married on television, they will be dead to me, but for now? I think they're adorable. There. I said it.

About this time in ...



If the songs are halfway as fantastic as "God Loves a Terrier" and any damn song from Waiting for Guffman, I know they will amuse me to no end.


There will always be a little break in my heart because of what a life-changing event occurred there and the magnificence of that moment and the love of that day.



I cannot endure this animal any longer if he continues to believe that the pecking order in the house is (1) Daisy (2) Zuko (3) S. (4) Me, his supposed master. (Hardy har har.)


We just shook our heads, especially when he said, "Uncle Junior! Is he a prick or what!" right in front of my aunt, the nun.


I'm going to concentrate on my new house for now, my cute new house, filled with everything I own and messy beyond belief in its own right, with a fridge sitting unplugged in the hall and a broken table and just crap all over the damn place.

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If you know of a clean, convenient, affordable hotel in Paris, won't you let me know? (Thanks to those who've written so far! I've bookmarked links to all the ones you've suggested. Y'all rock.)