April 13, 2004

My Sister's Felicity Meltdown

This morning, I got the following voicemail from my sister. Remember that prior to her recent introduction to Felicity, she could take or leave just about any television show in history. Clearly, this show now has her in a vise grip and might never let go. To get the full effect of this message, you must imagine her speaking in a hushed, conspiratory, woozy, delirious, drunk-sounding, middle of the night voice.


Oh my God.

It's 1:33 in the morning.

I just finished watching four more episodes of Felicity.

All I have to say is: I. Hate. Felicity Porter.

She is a total bitch.

I cannot even stomach what she just did to Ben.

It is worse, worse, worse than what Noel did to her when he walked out with Hannah.

Greg is disgusting, repulsive, slimy, revolting, and horrible.

I wish her nothing but absolute heartache, misery, nothingness for all of eternity.

I hate her.

She has caused irreparable harm, and Ben ... (voice breaking) ... the most beautiful creation ever to grace this planet ... I am absolutely torn up about this.

I hate that bitch.

I hate her.

I hate her.

What a cold-hearted bitch.

Ben is way too good for her.

Ben needs to go find someone else.

Even Julie is better for him than Felicity.

She's a bitch and I hate her.

I almost just never want to watch the show again.

I hate her guts so much.

She makes me sick.

And I hate her guts.

She is such a bitch, I cannot even get over it.

What does she see in that disgusting slimeball?

He is repulsive.

How does she even kiss him?

And he just fucking punched Ben!

He punched him, and she left with him.

I'm disgusted.

I'm just not going to be able to sleep tonight.

I really wish you had the last DVD in this box so I could watch the end, although you know? I don't even think I would watch it.

You know what?

I don't think I'm ever watching this show again!

She is unredeemable in my eyes.

I've written her off.

She's nothing.

She's evil.

(voice trailing off in resigned desperation) Oh my God ...


About this time in ...



"Just find comfort in those times - the fact that you had them and shared them with someone you loved, and for a moment in his life showed him everything that he will now be missing out on, but that you will surely find again."


And of course now I'm imagining what I could have said but didn't.


Feel free to use smashed up Heath bars if you can't find toffee baking bits, which I never can.



I went back and forth on what to call this journal, and I finally settled on Draw the Girl because I really love the song it comes from.



And so help me, if anyone shakes his or her head and thinks, "Oh, she's just jealous," I swear I will jump through your monitor and strangle you.


I watch too much television.


But it's so useless to kill yourself to get into shape. It makes you and everyone around you miserable.

get notified.

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Copyright 2004 elb

Just a note: I have moved all of the blog entries from 2002 (July to November) to my archives, so there are a whole bunch of new / old entries posted for those months. I haven't updated the blog since November of 2002, so I figured it was time to have everything in one place. This site still gets tons of hits from the blog, which is weird since it hasn't been updated in forever, but whatever.