 More Comfort |
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Excerpts from emails from readers...
You get angry, girl. You deserve to be angry. So go on -- punch something. I would sign up for a kickboxing class because I can assure you it did wonders for me. Rely on your family, your friends and your faith to help you and give yourself the time you need to be angry, to grieve the loss, and when you're ready (and you'll know it...) you'll move on. You'll be stronger. Or, let's be fair, maybe you allowed him to be a better person. And now you're gone from him, and he can't do it anymore. If you helped him be stronger there's nothing wrong with that, and it doesn't make you a fool that he is weak now. The only good thing that you can MAYBE get from this is that it is unavoidably clear that he does not deserve you. That doesn't really help the pain, I bet, but I hope at least that it will help you as you move forward. Thanks for being you. My only words of wisdom for you is to please try to not let this harden you. Speaking from experience, I have become hardened and it is so hard to let anyone new in once that has happened. Try to remember that this horrible thing that has happened, happened with S., not every man alive and that the chances are in your favor that, not every man is going to hurt you like he has. It's a hard lesson, one I still struggle with daily. Please know I am thinking of you and thank you for sharing part of your life with all of us. So, wow. I send you strength, and a big mental meat grinder to take all your anger and frustration and hopelessness, so that you can make mincemeat out of it all and get it out of your system so it all hurts less. My metaphors suck! Like others have said to you - you wouldn't know me if you passed me on the street (highly unlikely anyway as we live a world apart) but your sadness makes me want to comfort you and tell that it really will be okay again. I know right now it hurts to breathe. Right now, you're Buffy in "The Prom." I remember. You don't think you can hurt that much, you know? You think back to other times you've hurt and you think about how insignificant that hurt was to what you're feeling now. It is the worst thing imaginable, and the fact that you gave someone else that power? Makes it worse. But you can survive. You will survive. (Not in the cheesy disco way.) It was the anger that got me through it, honestly. I know anger's not the healthiest thing in the world - but it allows you to function much better than hyperventilating crying fests allow you to. I found that after clinging to the anger for many, many, many, many days, it eventually faded into numbness. I found that blissful in a way. Eventually the numbness fades too, and the sun comes back. You're going to have the ability the love fully and see clearly and know deeply that you're loved back -- and you'll have that because there really are people out there who love the way you do, who will see your beauty and strength and compassion and depth. I know it -- you're amazing. I just find myself, like you, questioning how he could give so much seeming love and hope to you, and receive the bounty of love and encouragement you gave, and then just drop it and walk away. Your confusion is entirely valid and justified. ... I can only say, along with everyone else, that you're a terrific person and that I hope you will one day be able to look back at this point as the time that the journey to your new life and true love actually began. Nobody deserves what S. has done to you, darlin', but don't feel bad remembering the good times - that's actually what makes the situation survivable: that no, you WEREN'T an idiot, and yes, you two DID share something special. The fact that he's not able to handle something like that long-term (which he's pretty well proven by his past track record, yes?)? Well, THAT'S the part that it's okay to be angry and hurt over, even though it's just him that's going to be hurt by that flaw in the long run. It's not your fault for thinking that he was past that and that what you two had would make everything okay for him, finally. So you weren't able to save him from himself, and got your heart broken. And that SUCKS. But it doesn't make the special times you two shared any less special, because it's not like in the back of his head the whole time he was thinking, "man, how do I get out of this?" I really, REALLY don't get that feeling at all. He's just not able to accept unconditional love, it seems to me. Which is sad. For him. ... So don't beat yourself up about it, and don't go crazy! Just find comfort in those times - the fact that you had them and shared them with someone you loved, and for a moment in his life showed him everything that he will now be missing out on, but that you will surely find again. I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to write your thoughts and to post them publically. It's been therapeutic for me. No matter how many family and friends lend their ears and their shoulders, I still feel so lonely except when I hear of other people that are currently going through it. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy, and I'm so sorry to hear you're going through it too. You're not the only one who knows that it was so good. We know it, too - that there was a time when he was good, and you were happy, and it was wonderful, and it was exactly right. We know you weren't fooling yourself. And that in the end, what it comes down to is what you're already wondering - "why? how? why? how?" ... the fact that it's now ending doesn't mean that the beginning or all the years following were wrong. They weren't wrong. They were right. They were perfect for each other, and they made each other happy, and no one could possibly have looked into the future and known that somehow, in him, something would change, for whatever reason, and no one, not even him, would be able to explain why. That said, it is difficult for me to read about the pain you must be going through now as I have gone through that myself and I know that at this point of the grieving process, there is rarely a moment of release. I hang my head because I cannot offer words of comfort to you now. I, like others, can only say that "only with the passage of time will you really begin to heal." Those words mean nothing to you now, I know. Eleven months after the break up, I met my now husband. We had a whirlwind courtship and got married soon after. ... Hang in there. And keep your chin up. There will be a happy ending for you too. I think a good idea for the flower seeds is to carry them in your car and when you come to a stop sign or red light and you are next to a median, you can toss them out and they will grow in that spot. I think it would be pretty. You are so beautiful (that's my favorite line from that song. also applicable to you, sweet E) I'd moan to my friends wondering what the secret was. To get over it faster -- do I cry more -- cry and get it all out? Do I go see someone and talk about things (which I did)? Do I just go out and try to ignore it and maybe it will all fade faster? I think I was a little obsessed about how to grieve in the best way possible -- so that it would be over sooner. And I didn't really understand it, when people said "it takes time". Time? How much time? I guess the "it takes time" finally sank in. There really is no secret to healing faster . . . you just have to get on with life . . . I hope that every day, your happy moments stay a bit longer and your sad moments becoming shorter and shorter. I sure hope your heart heals soon. I have been there before through divorce and I had to seek counseling and the thing that finally made me happy was to forgive him. I prayed a lot, too. But forgiveness came in time and my heart healed. I will tell you that you're loved and loveable and loving and lustrous and just the most amazing fucking person I've never met ... I'm religiously following your latest posts and each step you take towards happiness and stability enheartens me and my own outlook on the world. You've brought closure to that portion of your life with such dignity and such restraint. My biggest and best hope for you now is that as you grow away from this pain, you'll find it within yourself to give your grandmother's ring back to yourself. One day it won't have to be a symbol of what you lost: it can be a symbol of what you gained. You're gaining a lot right now. I promise. You are incredibly stalwart and have astounding fortitude. I have no idea what I would be doing right now if I were you. At some point, I would surely have curled into a permanent fetal position never to emerge. as for that weekend: it's going to be hard. but i will be there with you, and you will make it through. you will! and i'll be there to help you do it. I empathized with your feelings of loss and hurt, especially yesterday as you mourned the loss of what might have been through recollection. I started several emails to offer my support and encouragement but always stopped because I didn't know what to say. Last night however, I read something that says more eloquently than I could ever hope to what I wanted to offer and I thought I would share it with you: You can not now realize that you will ever feel better. Is this not so? And yet it is a mistake. You are sure to be happy again. To know this, which is certainly true, will make you some less miserable now. I have had experience enough to know what I say; and you need only to believe it, to feel better at once. (Abraham Lincoln, to Fanny McCullough, And as unlikely as it may seem now, you too, Eliza, will find new joy.
© Copyright 2003 elb |
For this entry, I decided to compile more excerpts of some more of the emails I've received from readers in the past few weeks because it just makes me feel a lot fucking better to read these words over and over. Thank you. A thousand times, again and again, thank you. |
