 Comfort |
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Excerpts from emails from readers...
No advice, no tears or moans or long winded anything. Just want to say that I am your friend and willing to sit silently at your side and be with you. Give your heart a chance to heal Milady. I'm happy you have cheesy parents who would do anything for you and friends who show up to watch the original "Dawson." You are much loved. I am so glad you are writing a little and so glad that you are able to find some bits and pieces of happiness in the small things. Don't ever worry about what holes you think you are or aren't leaving. We know what we need to know: that something bad happened and you're hurting. But what we also know, that you may forget from time to time, is that you're a strong, amazing woman, the sort who WILL get through this. I went through a similar experience about 4 years ago. I still remember how much it hurt, and that I didn't know if things would ever get better. But they do, even though it feels like it is taking forever. It seems odd to be feeling such compassion for a stranger, but that is the weirdness that is online journaling. People you never knew say "oh shit" when they read that you are hurting. I guess I can only send you my very best wishes and thoughts. Take care, you are still standing and you will be happy again. As you say, you have a lot of positive things in your life. I have this feeling that you are going to be okay. I know that when shitty things happen and people tell you that you are strong it seems like they're saying because they want you to be strong. But I'm not. (No, really!) I'm saying it because I believe it. The only thing I can offer is that it will get better, but that is no consolation right now I know. I'm glad you're turning to all the resources you can for help ... it shows strong character if I ever saw it. Still sending love and prayers and all that stuff. Just wanted to reiterate that I am thinking of you and hoping that the messiest, ugliest part of all of this ends as soon as possible. I know it sound hokey, but I truly believe with all of my heart that faith does wonderous things and carries us through the times where we just can't carry ourselves. I think it's a blessing you have that faith right now and while it may not make everything easier, I think it will make you stronger. And you'll be happy again. You will. You're tough, and you're a happy person, and it'll come to you when you're ready (or maybe a smidge later, all things considered), and maybe this is just a time that you have to survive so you can get to the good part again. There's no shame in that. "If you're going through hell, keep going..." -Winston Churchill Though I know you must be dying inside it does seem like you have a solid grasp on the fact that this is not about you, that there is no way in which you failed him. I am amazed at your strength and I am incredibly proud of you. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. Time is the only thing that will truly see you through. And I'm also so sorry for your troubles. I'm glad you have wonderful family and friends to help you through this. I hope it helps that there's a ton of us out here that you've never met that think you're a talented writer with a wonderful voice and that we know for certain you'll be fine. If he feels this way, this fear, this inability to accept happiness, I can't feel anything but sorry for him. You are by far the luckier one, because you will be able to go on to a happy life. I can tell you two things -- 1. He will have to live with what he did to you for the rest of his life and it will forever haunt him, and 2. You will go on to have a better happier life in spite of what happened. The best thing you can do for yourself is go on to live a great life. In the next few days and months you're probably going to have some dark sad days -- please lean on your friends and we'll be there for you. But don't worry -- love will find you and when it does it will be so right and perfect and wonderful that it will have been worth the pain. "Stop worrying where you're going - move on. If you can know where you're going - you've gone. Just keep moving on." --Sunday in the Park with George The beautiful and horrible thing about love is how vulnerable it makes us. I am so sorry this happened to you. I'm even sorry for S., in a way-- he screwed up something beautiful, and now he's going to have to live with that. You have a beautiful spirit, Eliza. Love will come along again, because you draw it to yourself. IÕm so, so sorry, sweetheart. Much love to you. I'm so glad you've got such a great group of friends and a supportive family. And remember of course that there are lots of us out here who have never met you but are still sending you loving thoughts! Oh, lots of good vibes going your way from me, too. GOD! Eliza I am so very very sorry that you are going through such hell. {HUGS} A person who could act in such a way does not deserve you. Remember that. He is simply not worthy and someday when you get past the pain, you will see that very clearly. It breaks my heart to read what you're going through, and I know that it sucks worse than anything, and I know that it will take time, but you're going to get through this. You seem like an incredible person from all your entries, you have a great family and some awesome friends, and you're going to be OK again. As for listening to his voicemail: There is a huge difference between an impulsive action that ends up hurting yourself worse than it hurts the other person, and the premeditated act that terribly wounds someone else. I know which one I could forgive myself for, and which one would rankle my soul forever. In the grand scheme of things, I think what you did is both understandable and forgivable. My heart's with you, darlin'. You must be hurting right now and you've been so happy. I wish I could give you a hug. Cyberhugs just don't cut it. I don't know what to say except that I'm sorry for your pain and that you're in my thoughts. Please let me know if you need anything at all. I've been in your shoes, and the thought of anyone else feeling that way is just heartbreaking to me. It will work out for you because YOU DESERVE BETTER. A month ago, we didn't know that. We thought you and S. were the fairy tale. So did you. And a month ago, you were. And then he decided he needed to sabotage it. He'll go on to fuck up other lives, Eliza, and you'll still be standing. I know at a time like this there really aren't any words that "work." But I do hope it helps to know there are people who, even though you've never met them, wish only the best for you, and are crossing their fingers that things will work out as well as they possibly can. I am sorry to hear your news! Hope things get better for you soon. I'm not sure if it makes one bit of difference, but just know that I'm sitting here in my office in Sydney and thinking of what's going on in your world and hoping it's going to be ok. And no words I say will make you feel any better. So just know that I am thinking about you and hoping your OK. I am glad that he told he wasn't ready now instead of after you had been married for 3 months. That would have been worse. While this might not be okay, you will be okay. I'm really sorry, Eliza. Please lean on your family and friends as much as you need, and know that I believe you will be okay. The one thing I do know is that you're an amazingly wonderful person; no, I mean it, it's true. I've always been so very impressed by how smart and funny and sweet and warm you are, and all the things you write in your journal -- everything -- makes me glad you're my friend. I just wanted to say that it stinks, and I wish there was something I could do to help. On the off chance that there is, let me know. Otherwise, take care of yourself and let your loved ones support you. And know that I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. I won't blather platitudes at you - just know that I'm thinking about you! Do something that usually makes you happy. Please. Maybe the first season of Felicity? If you need to get away for a long weekend, please don't hesitate to book a flight up here! We both have plenty of room between us and would love to have you. Just know it's a standing offer if you need it. I am mostly wordless, but oh my dear Eliza, I am so very very sorry. I'm just sitting here in shock right now. I don't know what to say....and I also no there's really nothing that can be said at this moment. I'm just so, so, so very sorry. In the meantime, sweetie, would you like to come up and visit and get away from the scene of the crime for a while? If you don't mind three cats and a couch, I'd love to have you. We'll get very drunk. Your entries have been so beautiful, romantic and happy when I did have a chance to read them. I don't believe in fairy tales so much, but if anyone's going to live happily ever after, it's you. I'm not going to ask for the story and not going to tell you it'll be okay (although it will, sooner or later). I just want to let you know that I'm thinking of you, and if there's anything I can do from far away, I hope you'll let me know. I am just writing to tell you that I love you (as much as it is possible to love anyone you haven't actually met in person, but with whom you have only exchanged your innermost thoughts and hopes and dreams and ideas and goals and craziness, which actually, I think, is quite a bit of love), and that I wish I could give you a huge hug. I just wanted to send a quick email to again extend the invitation to you to come to DC to visit ... I cannot believe what you are going through right now. It breaks my heart and it sickens me that you have to deal with this during a time that should have been spent planning the rest of your life. If I can do anything, ANYTHING at all for you, please let me know. AND, you should not, in anyway, not for a minute, feel humiliated by S. I can only hope that one day he realizes what he's done. Please let me (us!) know if there's anything we can do - you always have a place to stay if you have the time and the inclination to come to Chicago! Guest beds and hospitality and late night chats guaranteed! Please let me know if there is anything I can do, besides send you all the courage and wisdom I can scrounge up. Can I please just stomp the living shit out of S.? Pretty please? Oh my god. I cannot believe him. I will join in the group ass-kicking. Oh yes I will. I will put on spiked dominatrix boots and kick him in the balls. Party! We should definitely fly down ... for a slumber party. And then we could tell you (while we feed you chocolate) that you have behaved in a very classy fashion and should not feel humiliated. He is the one who should be ashamed of himself. He's probably just looking for something to distract him from the fact that he is a LITTLE WEEVIL. But his weevilness is still a fact, and you are a goddess. And that regardless of anything else, YOU will emerge from this experience just as strong, loving, and wonderful as ever. I have absolute certainty about that. Anyway, echoing what everyone else has said, if you want to run off to San Francisco, you are more than welcome. I have ice cream. Eliza, sweetheart, just say the word and I will get on a plane and kick S.'s ass from here to Kingdom Come. I am so sorry, girl. Be strong. You deserve so very much better. Elizalou, Fuck! I love you. You will most DEFINITELY be OK. Probably not today or tomorrow, but you WILL be OK. You are a superstar. I think of you every time I look at the magnet you sent me, and the "Live to the point of tears" quote. It's a wonderful quote, and mostly I think of it as a joyous quote, but I've been thinking of you lately and wishing, praying, that maybe you aren't living quite to the point of tears that I imagine you might be. (I hope that makes sense. I'm wishing you a safe and soon return to joy.) You are a good person. You care deeply. It's one of your great strengths; it comes through in your writing. Don't forget. When you are crying on the floor and you do not think that things will ever be better, they will only get worse, you will not heal, remember that it is a cycle. That periods of healing are followed by periods of depression. That as you get stronger, you will need to deal with more difficult things. But that it will eventually be part of the past, that you will not always primarily identify yourself as someone who was supposed to get married. Someday you will be Elizabeth again. I promise.
© Copyright 2003 elb |
Then this morning happened and I cried for about four hours until I just couldn't even catch my breath anymore. I drafted an email to send to him, though I haven't yet, and I called my therapist to see if she could fit me in today or tomorrow, though I haven't heard back from her, and I'm a little calmer now. For this entry, I decided to compile excerpts of some of the emails I've received from readers in the past few weeks. Y'all have come through like champs with the moral support. I mean, the book recommendations alone are enough to keep me set for weeks. And Eileen? And Suzy? Thank you so much for the gifts that you sent. I don't have your email addresses with me to thank you personally (forgot to check to see if they were included in the packages and they're at home) so let me thank you publicly. Y'all rock. I'm going to refer back to the emails and to this list whenever I feel wretched and maybe add to it over time and I know I'll feel a little bit better. There were more emails but I had to stop because I'm supposed to be working right now, after all. Knowing that not only my friends and family but you guys all care so much when I have never even met the vast majority of you is just an incredible comfort for which that I'll never be able to express adequate gratitude. |
