 Pre-Dawn Pondering |
|
I had one of those mornings earlier when I wondered if I might actually be going insane. I woke up a few hours after going to sleep; fell back to sleep. Woke up again about 5:00 and that's when it all just went to hell. I lay there and wondered if I should just get up and go to the gym because I was awake. But I remembered my gas light was on in my car and there's no way I'm going alone to a gas station in the dark at 5:30 in the morning. I'm just not one for putting myself into those types of situations. Perhaps I have an irrational fear of mugging or kidnapping or worse but it was so drilled into me during the serial killer investigation and I still haven't shaken the idea that there is evil in the world ready to kill me at any time, especially when I'm alone in a deserted place in the dark. So I thought maybe I'd go walking around the neighborhood but then remembered that it was 40 degrees outside and what fun is that and again with the possible safety factor as it was still dark outside. Then I started spiraling into thinking about every person in the history of my life who's ever hurt my feelings and wondering why some people just suck. Then I started thinking about all of the stupid things I say all the time and how I put my foot in my mouth constantly. Then I started worrying about my spongy thighs that seem get spongier with every passing week and that I really should just get up and go to the gym and why can I not stick to the Lenten resolution to give up sweets instead of submitting to eating five Thin Mints as I did yesterday. Then I started fretting about how there are hybrid dust/pet hair bunnies under every bed, every piece of furniture, and clinging to every baseboard in my house. Then I started wondering how I can get my hands on a removable flash drive to move all my music and files off of my desktop onto my laptop (because my desktop doesn't have a CD burner) without actually buying one because I seem to be pretty low on funds these days. Then I started feeling guilty about worrying about money when I have food, clothing, shelter, and health insurance and how dare I stress out about it when so many people don't have shit. Then I started thinking about how much Katherine Heigl giggles on her Grey's Anatomy pilot commentary and how I wish she'd just say something substantive for God's sake because I like her character. I don't know why I didn't just turn on the lamp on the bedside table and flood the room with light to snap myself out of it, but I was feeling sort of paralyzed. Then I finally fell back to sleep and dreamt that I was kidnapped by a co-worker in a FEMA trailer on wheels and had to look after two children who were also kidnapped, a one-year-old boy and an infant girl, and I had to put them inside my shirt and hold them to my chest so they wouldn't be thrown around the trailer as it careened wildly on the road and we ended up at this strange compound in the desert where we were either being held captive or rescued -- it wasn't clear which -- by Jubal Early. Then Zuko's alarm clock bark woke me up for the final time. I got up to face the day, took my Synthroid, went to work, waited an hour per the medication's instructions to eat some pineapple yogurt with shredded wheat & bran mixed in, and settled down to do my business like a perfectly functional person. It makes me wonder if everyone walking around in the world every day in my office and down my street with her pugs or beagles or through the grocery store, appearing to be perfectly normal, also has spirals of lunacy in the middle of the night. I hate to say it, but I kind of hope so.
:::
About this time in ...
© Copyright 2006 elb |
|
