February 15, 2005 Heart-Exploding Words

It's always amusing to be contacted by your ex who shows up at your house and leaves you a dire-sounding phone message so you call him back on of all days Valentine's Day because you're terrified that something catastrophic has happened based on his ominous tone and cryptic word choice only to find out that he simply wants to announce to you as if you actually care that he has been dumped by the woman he dumped you for and that you were right about karma and how it is indeed a bitch. Almost two years after the fact, this means nothing to you. You have nothing left to give as far as this person goes. No energy, no goodwill, no contempt, no ounce of concern or interest to possibly muster other than perhaps a mild degree of pity and disgust. And you know what you have always known since the last day you saw and talked to him -- that you have nothing to say to him. Then or now, now or ever. (This might send your sister, on the other hand, into a blind rage, and she might express that she would like to beat him soundly about the face with a motorcycle helmet like a certain character did in a certain Oscar-nominated movie. And you appreciate her loyalty, but you feel no rage. You feel nothing but free, and the brief moment of someone trying to suck you into the past barely registers a blip on the screen of the day as a whole, because the day as a whole was such a good day and was about everything but the past.) And really you just feel lucky and blessed to have had such a beautiful Valentine's Day of chocolate cake for breakfast and sunshine and music and heart-exploding words and new memories being made and to be so delighted to be writing these things while so content to be so at peace with your life at two weeks from motherfucking thirty and while still under the spell of the scent of stargazer lilies. ::: About this time in ... 2004 2/14: And, of course, to be brave enough to slowly open my slammed-shut heart to all the possibilities that await me. 2/13: We can handle being wet, but being both wet and cold makes us surly. get notified. journal archives © Copyright 2005 elb