34

The night before my birthday, I went out for Thai with my parents and brother. We had a nice visit over shrimp toast, nam sod, and various shrimp/chicken/vegetable entrees.

On my birthday morning, I was inexplicably wide awake at 4 a.m. I decided to roll over, flip on the bedside lamp, and open Harry: A History by Melissa Anelli, which (Melissa was right) is pretty fantastic. I spent a couple of hours with it before falling back asleep, only to be awakened at 8 by Zuko's staccato alarm bark. Oh well. I ate breakfast and headed out on a run. It was gray and very breezy out, the wind whipping the leaves (and me) all over the road. I got diverted by a train at one point, but overall, it was a fairly satisfying run.

After showering and all that jazz, I stopped for an iced coffee and headed to the farmer's market, where I bought some birthday gifts for friends. It started getting colder and colder outside, which was weird considering how warm it's been lately. I had a nice lunch with B. and headed to my massage appointment. It was my first time with a male massage therapist since Arturo in Costa Rica. I was a little nervous but got over it quickly. As he dug into upper back with great force, he noted that I can take more pressure than most. Then as he dug into my neck mightily, he said that some people have a tight spot here and there in their necks but that mine was tight all over. "Your neck ... is a rock," he said. "Yeah," I sighed. He worked on it for most of the hour, moving onto my hips at my request because they are always super tight, I think from running and squatting during the f-ing Jillian Michaels' DVD, and hard to stretch. He did all sorts of stretches, pushing my knee onto my chest and saying, "Wow, you are flexible. I mean -- wow. You are FLEXIBLE." I told him that was the only thing I scored well on during my gym fitness test a few years ago. Then he held my hip as he stretched it the opposite way across my body and sort of lay on it. This is hard to explain and sounds sort of obscene, but it was all very comfortable and professional until I screamed when he massaged the IT Band area of my hip with a little too much vim and vigor. Then he worked my upper back underneath my shoulder blades and so forth and it was basically an hour of complete heaven. It felt like a great gift to give myself on my birthday.

After my massage, I lay like goo on the couch and popped in my new Dr. Horrible DVD, a gift from my little brother. It was awesome, of course, as was the musical commentary, which just knocked my socks off. This whole enterprise is so delightful on so many levels to me. I bought myself the soundtrack and made a copy for him so we could continue to share the Dr. Horrible love. It was fun to check the mailbox and get some really nice cards. Overall, it was a lovely morning and afternoon.

The day shifted into evening, and I headed out for a girls' dinner. Stupid me did not think to make reservations, so our group of six faced a two-hour wait. Oops! So we sat outside on the patio, which was challenging due to the fact that a sudden Arctic blast was blowing through. Luckily there were heaters, and it gave me an excuse to wear my new school bus-colored coat all night long. We shared potstickers and pizza and fried rice and pad Thai and drank wine and gossiped and laughed and it felt really good to be surrounded by women I've known so long ... one I've known since kindergarten. They all brought me very wonderful and thoughtful gifts, which I didn't expect, and picked up my tab. It was all very special! I can't really describe it without lapsing into sentimentality so I'll stop there. One girlfriend and I headed out to watch my brother play for a little while but didn't last very long as apparently 34 means you have to be in bed by 11:00.

It got down into the thirties last night after a long string of days in the seventies, so that was a little bizarre. I woke up this morning and went to the grocery store, story of my life. Then I baked a ton of St. Patrick's Day cookies to freeze for my parade party. I've never frozen cookies before and hope they come out okay. I have to say that the green shamrock-shaped cookies are pretty cute even though some of them look more like amoebas than shamrocks. Then I decided to go out to World Market and look for some aqua curtains for my bedroom. I bought these and like them a lot. I also bought a new rug for the foot of my bed. My room, I have to say, is looking very different, and I am happy about it. I decided to go all white for my new bed (more on the new bed soon!), and I think it's all coming together.

Today I made this in my crock pot. I drained that m-fing tofu for like 36 hours and it still felt a bit moist. But I had better luck with the cornstarch and browning the tofu than last time; I think tofu just feels damp no matter how long you drain it! I used olive oil instead of butter and took my time getting it nice and brown, and it turned out perfectly delicious. I cooked it longer than the 3 hours instructed because I checked it at 3 hours and the carrots were still too hard for my liking. I also added a little more water than the recipe called for and when it tells you to add a little water and shake up the remnants of the sauce in the jar, I added 1/4 a teaspoon of cayenne pepper and some salt and shook that up with the liquid. I also added two cloves of chopped garlic and a pretty hefty chunk of chopped fresh ginger. Fascinating, I know! Anyway, I ate it over basmati rice, and it might be my favorite thing I've made in the crockpot thus far. Success!

Overall, it's been a very nice birthday weekend. Today is the beginning of a new month and a new year at a new age. I am determined to live well and work hard and, as Maria instructed Liesl, look for my life.

33

I had a nice 33rd birthday. It started with a nice card from B. and some calls from people singing to me. We had cake and ice cream at work, and B. and I went out for Thai food and he gave me some lovely gifts. Then we watched Lost, during which I had to start crying near the end of the episode.

The next night, I gathered with friends and family in the private room of a Thai restaurant for a karaoke birthday party I decided to throw for myself. I am not really sure what came over me or possessed me to do this. I am more and more introverted the older I get, and I don't gather with large groups of friends very often anymore. But I decided to say "what the hell" and go for it. My parents came, as did my brother. Frankly, any party where most or all of my family can't come is not a party of mine I want to have. And lots of friends, some of whom I hadn't seen in a while. I had no idea if anyone would get up and sing, but 99% did. I kicked things off with "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" by The Darkness. My mom's jaw hit the floor because normally I'm quite stage fright-y about such things. My dad sang "By the Time I Get to Phoenix." B. sang "Summer Wind." M. sang "Behind These Hazel Eyes" and some Hall & Oates song. My brother sang some Air Supply song. I mean, the songs just ran the gamut, and people seemed to have a lot of fun singing them. There was lots of merriment all around, and I shocked myself by actually relaxing and enjoying the whole thing after a few hand-wringing moments of needless anxiety. My brother even figured out some way to set up his iPod on some speakers and play a recording of my sister playing and singing a personalized, re-written version of Ingrid Michaelson's "The Way I Am," which warmed my heart to no damn end.

The next night, B. and I sat down with Italian take-out and watched Gone Baby Gone, which I enjoyed very much. It was great to see Michelle Monaghan again, whom I loved so much in Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang.

Yesterday, I did homework and spent a little time at the park with M. and her girls. My godchild is going to walk any day now, I can feel it. She pulled lots of sand determinedly and ferociously into her diaper. And the four-year-old sang "Tomorrow" at the top of her lungs while swinging, which is always a good way to have one's spirit lifted, and we all drank Icees for the second day in a row.

B.'s mom sent me a basket of four beautiful plants for my birthday. I bought some new pots and some potting soil and potted them yesterday. They are really brightening up the house. It had been so long since I put my hands in dirt, and it felt really good. I hope I keep them alive.

I have high hopes for 33.

Birthday

I've kind of had the birthday blues today. There's no good reason for them. I am going now make a list of good things to force myself to focus on what is good.

My girlfriend I've known since age 10 special-ordered some yummy-smelling face stuff for me that she swears is the bee's knees and also gave me a Hallmark sound card that presented Michael Scott talking about reverse psychology when I opened it and in which she wrote that she hopes I'll enjoy some lemoñadé on my birthday. I tried the facial scrub last night for the first time, and it smelled like a big pineapple exploded in my bathroom. It smelled like breakfast in Mexico and Costa Rica, those big plates of huge pineapple wedges that I would eat until I almost burst.

My girlfriend I've known since I was eight sent me a friendship box. I called her so we could be on the phone when I opened it, and I love it, along with the card she sent. She talked me down off the ledge this afternoon when I complained irrationally about things that are bothering me today and said she's glad we can take turns being surly and and can take turns talking each other out of it. I am very glad about that, too.

My sister sent me some soap that smells so good that it makes me feel like fainting. My older brother called and sang "Happy Birthday" into my voicemail.

I shared with my co-workers this afternoon chocolate cake with layers of raspberry coulis, pecans, and caramel sauce. It might be the world's most perfect cake.

I spent an inordinate amount of time last night trying to take pictures of my cat jumping from one bed to another as I tossed a milk bottle tab back and forth. That I have such a cat and such time to ridiculously waste is something to be grateful for, I think. Last night I held her tightly close to my face and just smelled her and smelled her. She smells clean and she always, always wants to sit on top of me and even if it's just to keep warm and because she thinks I might drop some food, it still makes me feel loved.

I am beyond frustrated with my plumbing situation because I received an invoice higher than what I was quoted and the toilet that was broken somehow in the repairing of the plumbing line was supposedly fixed but is now broken in another way and somehow cost me an extra $100 ... but I have not paid yet and so that is a good thing, for they will not get my money until it actually does what a toilet is supposed to do and that is flush. So I feel kind of disempowered by my intimidation concerning the plumber, but I tell myself as long as I still have my money, I am still in power. That I allow myself to get so intimidated is something I don't like about myself but I am working on it.

I think I have lost the necklace and earrings that my boyfriend bought me for Christmas and Valentine's Day by being careless with them in a box in my car (that I think the box fell out of) and it has been making me extremely sick to the heart and stomach, but I talked to the jewelry artist today and hope to replace the set soon. It won't be the same as having the actual pieces he picked out for me but it will be almost the same. So that is a good thing coming out of a bad thing.

In the three days I have not run since the half-marathon, I have been pretty morose. I don't know if it's because I am lost without a training schedule to plan my day around or it's because my body is suffering from a severe endorphins deficiency, but it has been a pretty awful feeling. Though I don't relish strapping on my running shoes again, I think I am going to have to if only to break out of this dark fog of laziness in which I've been enveloped the past three days. I don't really need to run far, I don't think, or fast, but I need to be outside and I need to get my heart pumping again and my legs moving again. So looking forward to doing that tomorrow is a cheering thought.

My boyfriend will be here soon.

My mom cooked dinner tonight. We ate shrimp stew and fried shrimp and corn and carrot salad and cornbread and her special ice cream dessert with caramel and nuts and oats and chocolate syrup that all gets mixed together and frozen and cut into squares of deliciousness. My little brother gave me the latest Dixie Chicks CD, my brother's girlfriend gave me a beautiful plant, and my parents read me a special birthday prayer and gave me a cookbook, some money, and best of all, a duffel bag on wheels from QVC.