Weird.
It's unfortunate but unavoidable that pretty much the most traumatic time of my life coincided with my birthday, so every time a birthday rolls around, I can't help but feel a little twinge and remember that time. It feels like a lifetime ago, in a way. Entries from that time are offline now, but I can still go back and read them. Which I don't, normally, except that I just did. I'm not sure why. Reading those entries brings back how I was so unspeakably devastated and sad and functioning so minimally. I look back and wonder if people thought I was totally nuts. Apparently all I did was cry and walk around in a fugue state, all day, every day, and all night long. I can't believe I put all of that rawness on the internet, but it felt like the right thing to do at the time. Showing my craziness made me feel healthier. It's a mystery.
More than my shock and sorrow at the time, I remember the faces of my friends, my parents, and my siblings. I remember the flowers and gifts and and books and music people sent me and the notes people wrote me, the prayers they said for me, the walks they took with me. I remember how my loved ones gathered on the night I was supposed to get married and lit sparklers with me. I remember how, even though clearly no one DIED, it was something hard and sad for me, and people recognized that and helped me get through it. I will always be so grateful for that. I hope I can be to them what they were to me in that sadness, should they ever feel so sad.
I look back on the past six years, from that point when my life took a sudden turn from the direction in which I believed with all my heart it was going, and see mostly good things. I still have a job I'm very lucky to have, maybe luckier than ever, considering the sad state of economic affairs. I still have these four animals who drive me berserk but whom I love. I spent four years with someone wonderful. My family and friends are still healthy and with me, babies have been born whom I adore, my sister married someone beyond fantastic, and my best friend is having T*W*I*N*S! I wish I could throw some confetti around those letters to show how spastically overjoyed I am about this development. It feels both like a huge span of time and just a heartbeat between 28 and 34, and I definitely have some clearer visions for what I want out of life than I did then. In another six years, I will be forty. My mom had four kids at the age of forty. Jeez! Can't really process that ... moving on. This entry really has no point. Sometimes I feel a little nostalgic is all I'm saying, even nostalgic for times of heinousness, because those times are so f-ing formative in our lives.
Now I'm going to feed the insistently meowing Marley before before her vocal chords disintegrate forever. And I am going slap down some Patty Griffin lyrics, because lately I'm all about Patty Griffin. Seriously -- where has she been all my life?
More than my shock and sorrow at the time, I remember the faces of my friends, my parents, and my siblings. I remember the flowers and gifts and and books and music people sent me and the notes people wrote me, the prayers they said for me, the walks they took with me. I remember how my loved ones gathered on the night I was supposed to get married and lit sparklers with me. I remember how, even though clearly no one DIED, it was something hard and sad for me, and people recognized that and helped me get through it. I will always be so grateful for that. I hope I can be to them what they were to me in that sadness, should they ever feel so sad.
I look back on the past six years, from that point when my life took a sudden turn from the direction in which I believed with all my heart it was going, and see mostly good things. I still have a job I'm very lucky to have, maybe luckier than ever, considering the sad state of economic affairs. I still have these four animals who drive me berserk but whom I love. I spent four years with someone wonderful. My family and friends are still healthy and with me, babies have been born whom I adore, my sister married someone beyond fantastic, and my best friend is having T*W*I*N*S! I wish I could throw some confetti around those letters to show how spastically overjoyed I am about this development. It feels both like a huge span of time and just a heartbeat between 28 and 34, and I definitely have some clearer visions for what I want out of life than I did then. In another six years, I will be forty. My mom had four kids at the age of forty. Jeez! Can't really process that ... moving on. This entry really has no point. Sometimes I feel a little nostalgic is all I'm saying, even nostalgic for times of heinousness, because those times are so f-ing formative in our lives.
Now I'm going to feed the insistently meowing Marley before before her vocal chords disintegrate forever. And I am going slap down some Patty Griffin lyrics, because lately I'm all about Patty Griffin. Seriously -- where has she been all my life?
May you dream you are dreaming, in a warm soft bed
And may the voices inside you that fill you with dread
Make the sound of thousands of angels instead
Tonight where you might be laying your head
I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off of those gates of hell
But I can tell how hard you're trying
I still have this secret hope
Sometimes all we do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope
There's an endless rope
And nobody's crying
Nobody's crying
Nobody's crying
And may the voices inside you that fill you with dread
Make the sound of thousands of angels instead
Tonight where you might be laying your head
I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off of those gates of hell
But I can tell how hard you're trying
I still have this secret hope
Sometimes all we do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope
There's an endless rope
And nobody's crying
Nobody's crying
Nobody's crying
posted by eliza @ 7:15 PM
9 Comments:
6 years ago is right about the time I started reading your journal... You have certainly grown into a a(n even more) lovely, strong, incredible woman. I've enjoyed reading and watching your journey. You are an amazing woman. Keep celebrating you!
This is beautiful. And so are you.
What Lauren said. I started reading your journal right around 6 years ago, and having just dealt with a nightmare of a divorce, my heart broke for you. It's been a joy to see how you've healed, and blossomed, since then.
yes... just a heartbeat between 28 and 34 I agree. I also have no kids at 35. My parents already had 5 at that age. It is simply a different era and we shouldn't judge our times based on the past.
I've been reading your journal a long time and I remember those entries. Something devastating happened and you reacted accordingly. At no time did you seem crazy--grief stricken, shocked, and hurting, but not crazy. I'm so glad you got through it and over it.
I am just catching up on this from last week. I think I've told you how much it helped me to read the outpouring you shared at that time when just two months later I was going through a crazy mess of my own. They were different experiences, but loss is loss, and I still remember now how what you wrote at least made me feel less alone.
Y'all are all very nice. Thank you.
I ditto everything Suzanne said. As I usually do.
Been reading for YEARS! First comment ever, I think.
Thank you, Jeanna!
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