Oscars!

I love Hugh Jackman. His hosting stint at the 2004 Tony Awards remains one of the greatest performances I've ever seen on live television. I know you can do it, Hugh! So: his opening. Why aren't they lighting the audience when shots cut to them? That is pretty weird. The two best words that can come out of Hugh Jackman's mouth: "Opening Number." Hooray, here he goes! Oh dear, the worst two words that can come out of Hugh Jackman's mouth: "P-bic Hair." That is my only complaint about this opening number. Anne Hathway has gotten too thin, but she is being a great sport and I have liked her singing voice since she played Mary Poppins on SNL, and that was adorable. I think Hugh Jackman is cracking even himself up in this bizarro dancing number for The Reader. Oh my God, it just keeps getting better and better, and I can't keep up! Well, he said he wanted the Oscars to have more "show" and less "biz," and I think he has succeeded so far. I don't know how many ways I can say that I am actually, quite possibly, in real and complete love with Hugh Jackman. I will try to leave it at that.

Oh my God, the curtains are not opening. Well, that was fun! I like montages, but I wish they'd put the supporting actress clips in order instead of jumbling them all around! And ... another montage? Oh, it's because they're all presenting! Very cool and never been done as far as I remember. Whoopi's animal print dress is a nightmare. Tilda Swinton always looks like a gorgeous statue. Eva Marie Saint looks lovely in her white satin suit and does a nice job describing Viola Davis as Davis emotes silently from her seat with great power. I really, really like her. Anjelica Houston remains gorgeous, as does Penelope Cruz. So many damn gorgeous women! I am really sad about Whoopi's dress because her hair and make-up are nice, but that dress has both a horrible print and is one of the most unflattering things I have ever seen. Amy Adams, I love with all my heart. Oh, Goldie Hawn -- no. Just -- no. (Can I just say that we had Bird on a Wire on VHS when I was a kid and watched it all the time? Because we did.) Taraji P. Henson = also beautiful. (Are they seriously going to take this long with every category? Don't get me wrong, I like it! But it's so different and crazy!) Taking the time to really recognize each nominee is sort of stunning, really, and the nominees are so clearly moved. I think I am a fan of this strategy. We'll have to see how it goes for the rest of the night! And the Oscar goes to ... Penelope Cruz! Wow. I have to say I thought Viola Davis had it in the bag. Penelope's dress looks like a very pretty cloud. And now she is talking about art as the universal language, and I am crying!

This little typewriter silhouette introduction of Tina Fey and Steve Martin is fantastic! Wow, they are actually really trying to do something different this year, and I am really digging it. Tina Fey looks gorgeous and has a killer bod. Again with a dark audience shot, this time of Sophia Loren. What? Why? Shine some lights on these people! I always appreciate a good Scientology insult. Now they are doing the original screenplay nominees and superimposing typewritten text from the scripts onto the clips. Again, a stab at creativity. I appreciate this. IN BRUGES! I forgot this was nominated! Oh, In Bruges, I love you so very much. Oh, Milk. I feel fairly certain that this will win as the screenwriter is a wunderkind and the only one for years and years who has been able to pull Milk off. And, Dustin Lance Black wins for Milk, and I am glad. I loved Milk. Sean Penn is clapping so hard he might break his hands. This kid is adorable! And he calls it a "life-saving story," and really, it is. And now I am crying again. He says the story of Harvey Milk gave him the "hope that one day I could live my life as who I am and maybe even fall in love and get married." Gus Van Sant = in tears. His message to the gay kids: "You are beautiful, wonderful creatures of value, and no matter what anyone tells you, God does love you, and very soon, I promise you, you will have equal rights, federally, across this great nation of ours. Thank you, and thank you God for giving us Harvey Milk." And ... more tears!

It's time for best adapted screenplay. I might have to take a break because my nose is running after the last speech. I wish they would stop showing that Slumdog clip all the time for all the people who haven't seen it yet. Regardless, the screenwriter of Slumdog won and hooray for that! Is he wearing a rosary across his shirt or is that some kind of English thing? Nice speech, makes me want to watch the movie again.

Here are Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black. Jennifer is not wearing black for once in her life! Fantastic. She remains overly tan, but it's nice to see her hair pulled back somewhat from her face. I think she must hate her ears because she never shows them. Possibly she should not be paired with Jack Black doing stilted awkward presentation comedy, but still, props to her for strutting out there in front of freaking Brad & Angie and looking awesome. Wall-E wins best animated film to the surprise of absolutely no one. Oh dear, Jennifer & Jack are back. And they cut to the inevitable Brad and Angie's reaction shot. AWKWARD.

The band just played a snippet of "Cool" from West Side Story as Hugh walked back onstage. I'm fine with that. And now in another random pairing, Sarah Jessica Parker and Daniel Craig. Her formerly nonexistent bosoms are heaving in what I guess is a trick of her dress's stiff bodice. Daniel Craig's delivery is a bit stiff, and I am reminded of that strange MTV Awards show of yore where SJP hosted and sang lots of strange songs like "Pure Imagination" from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. Art direction goes to The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which I have not seen. And they're sticking around for costume design ... okay. This is dragging, I'm sorry to report. The Duchess wins; haven't seen it because I try to avoid Ms. Knightley if possible. And they are STAYING FOR MAKE-UP. This is really a bit much, Jesus. Benjamin Button wins, no shock there. God love the artisans but their speeches are not very goozzzzz.

Robert Pattinson glowers way too much. Lift up your head, Robert! Stop furrowing your brow! You are not really Edward Cullen. The end. Amanda Seyfried is beautiful, but their presentation is kind of a dud. Cue romance montage! Nice to see Last Chance Harvey in there. And ... a dancing montage within a romance montage. Did they seriously insert a clip of Diaz and Kutcher dancing in What Happens in Vegas? Shameful. And HSM3? Really? And ... huge Sex & the City spoiler if you care about that sort of thing. I'm not super crazy about this montage if truth be told. And ... who's better than Jamal and Latika and Harvey and Scott? No one.

Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller presenting cinematography. Ben Stiller, of course, is dressed as crazy bearded Joaquin. Natalie Portman's dress sort of resembles a Barbie costume but it doesn't matter because she is always articulate and pretty. This is fairly ridiculous and ought not be dignified with my commentary. Winner: Slumdog.

I cannot see Seth Rogen & James Franco sit next to each other on a couch without seeing Ken and Daniel Desario. They amuse me no matter what they're doing, actually. Now Franco as Pineapple Express guy is watching Franco as Scott Smith making out with Sean Penn, and it's good. And there's Jason Segel, and now the freaks are back together as they should be! I found that entire thing very enjoyable.

It is time for another musical number, and not soon enough for me. And it's a medley of songs from musicals. Oh dear, it's Beyonce. Who appears to be lip-synching. And I just do not approve of that, there is no excuse for it. No excuse! I don't really want to see Beyonce dancing in high cut red sequins, either. She is grinding on Hugh Jackman. This is not good. Hugh Jackman is better than this. I am embarrassed. And there are the High School Musical kids who are actually very cute -- now they are doing a juxtaposition of "I Don't Know How to Love Him" and "Can't Stop the Beat" (!?!?) and this is wrong. And Amanda Seyfried is barely getting to sing at all! Oh God, Beyonce ruins everything. I wanted to love this, I really did. But I can't. Nice idea, horrible costumes, repugnant execution. If I were not already fan of musicals, I think this would make me swear them off for all eternity.

I need a moment to recover. Now it's time for best supporting actor. Javier Bardem is very handsome. Past winners who are presenting: Christopher Walken, Alan Arkin, Joel Gray, Cuba Gooding, Jr., and Kevin Kline, all adorable. I wonder who will get to talk about Heath? Oh DEAR, Alan Arkin totally flubbed and said "Seymour Phillip Hoffman." Who is weird a very silly hat, by the way, sort of like the very tight crotch of a pair of black panty hose. Diane Lane is so gorgeous and seems to be very in love with James Brolin. John Mayer is sitting next to the couple and applauding very enthusiastically for Brolin. Robert Downey, Jr.'s wife is extremely pretty. And ... Christopher Walken is now sporting a bob. Kevin Kline is talking about Heath, and as he is basically the most articulate man on earth, I think it's a fitting choice. Nice tribute. And dispensing with all suspense, Arkin presents it right away to Heath Ledger, and his parents and sister are accepting. Oh, dear. I fear the tears will flow. Adrian Brody is fully crying. How does a mother stand up and speak about her dead son? This is almost unbearable to watch, everyone is crying, and they're accepting the award on behalf of his "beautiful Matilda."

Okay, gathering myself. I love documentaries very much, and I am glad they got such careful attention in that segment. Bill Maher is just so obnoxious. I currently have Encounters at the End of the World from Netflix and look forward to watching it soon.

((Missed some stuff while talking to my little brother about the atrocity that was the musicals tribute.))

The Slumdog sound mixer might be my favorite speech of the night so far. I am a sucker for the sincerely speechless winners. Film editing also goes to Slumdog, and Freida and Dev are bouncing and waving, which is adorable, just like they always are. As the band plays us out to commercial with Aimee Mann's "Momentum," I wonder if maybe these random songs the band is using were Oscar winners or nominees, but I don't think this one was, so I don't know what's going on there.

((Missed some stuff.))

Now it's time for best song. Love the dancers and the whole thing for the first Slumdog song. As for John Legend and the Wall-E song, am I the only one with a bit of a crush on John Legend? And now it's time for "Jai Ho," HOORAY! I don't know how any folks can hear this song and not feel their heart begin to explode somewhat. And now they are doing "Jai Ho" with the Wall-E song, and it sounds about a thousand times better than the odious song mixtures of Hugh & Beyonce. Yay! That was fun. Surely "Jai Ho" will in. And it does! Awesome. The composer, A.R. Rahman, beautifully said that the "essence of the film is about optimism and the power of hope in our lives ... all my life I've had a choice of hate or love. I chose love. And I'm here. God bless."

And now for the moment my brother's been waiting for all night ... Freida Pinto! Best foreign language film ... I am always a little late on these as they usually haven't opened here by the time the Oscar show airs. The Japanese film wins. I always enjoy the speeches for these because often times the winners don't speak great English and they are always super psyched.

Queen Latifah has a very pretty voice, but I think I prefer an instrumental behind the memorial clips. Waiting on Paul Newman to finish it off ... and there he is, with the most applause, and he's the only one who gets dialogue. The empty spotlight = a moving touch.

Here's Reese Witherspoon wearing a dress that's not the cutest I've ever seen. Are we even pretending Danny Boyle is not going to win? David Fincher isn't, as he just practically rolled his eyes when they called Fincher's name. Danny Boyle it is! And he just jumped like Tigger, and it was very cute.

Best Actress! Sophia Loren, Shirley MacLaine, Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, and Marion Cotillard, presenters. Randomly: the theme from Gone with the Wind. MacLaine does Hathaway, and Hathway and I cry. Cotillard does Winslet, and there's more crying all around. Berry does Melissa Leo, and I'm a little annoyed that her speech started being all about her! Oh, well. I am not nuts about Melissa Leo's hair, but as I've said before, viva Kay Howard. Loren does Streep with her HAND ON HER HIP. Kidman does Jolie with feathers on her chest. Kate Winslet wins for The Reader. She is hugging all five presenters, get a move on, Kate. Her dress, like Reese's, is sort of dark blue and black and not that cute. She has looked better, but she is very emotional and her dad just whistled for her and that was fantastic. She is super stoked and just one of my favorites ever since she was Marianne Dashwood.

Best Actor! Presenters are Robert DeNiro, Ben Kingsley, Anthony Hopkins, Adrien Brody, and Michael Douglas, and everyone is applauding for each of them THUNDEROUSLY. Normally I don't care for the hogging of awards, and I know Sean Penn won recently for Mystic River, but I thought he was wonderful as Harvey Milk, and I hope he wins. I wanted him to win for Dead Man Walking. Robin Wright Penn = still hot. DeNiro is talking about his achievements and antics as a human being, not just an actor, which is a little weird, if you ask me, for this moment. Oh, I forgot about Richard Jenkins! I would be tickled if he were to win! He was wonderful in The Visitor! Oh, Mickey Rourke. I would comment on his outfit, hair, jewelry, glasses, etc., but at this late hour, words fail me. Very nice tribute by Ben Kingsley, I have to say! And ... Sean Penn. Well, he didn't go to kiss Robin so she grabbed his face and kissed him on the mouth. Bravo, Robin. I feel like they are applauding Harvey Milk as much as Penn, really. The cute screenwriter is crying. Sean Penn, I do not care for your all-black tuxedo. Thank your wife, Sean, thank your wife! Please. Please, please, please. And ... he didn't thank his wife.

Best Picture at last. Very nice montage interspersing the nominees with past films with similar themes. Winner: Slumdog Millionaire. And the kids are storming the stage, where they belong. And the producer just kissed baby Salim on the head. Dev Patel is holding baby Latika. And now they're showing scenes from upcoming movies. Whoever decided to put Johnny Depp and Christian Bale in the same movie gets my vote for best casting decision. The movie I'm most looking forward to is Sunshine Cleaning. And ... that's a wrap.