Healthy
So here's where I am right now.
There is a pattern in my life (and others' lives, I'd imagine) where sometimes I care about eating well and physical fitness and sometimes I don't.
I've been holding steady in a "don't" period for longer than I care to admit. But here I am! Admitting it! I've felt removed from my body, almost disassociated from it, for a long time now. I've felt it getting softer and bigger and watched what limited leg muscles I had turn smooshy and I've watched my stomach become its own bizarre non-pregnant-but-looks-it entity, and I've ordered the French fries and eaten the daily Twix bars and drunk the Blue Moons and I've been fully aware that what I've been doing is totally unhealthy and yet I've been doing it anyway, for months and months and months. I've watched my clothes stop fitting right or at all. And somehow, at the same time, I found it very disturbing while somehow not caring, all the while wondering how that dichotomy was possible.
And then, recently, I came to my senses. I bought a Turbo Jam DVD, inspired by Linda. I pulled out my old yoga DVD. I'm planning to go to the gym this weekend. I've been trying to eat daily the amount of food a normal person eats in a day instead of three or four days' worth of food. I've tried to stop grazing. I've tried to eat things that are good for me. I skipped the cake and ice cream at a work birthday party.
I haven't had a Twix all week. This is unprecedented in 2008. Maybe even 2007.
I'm trying to take it slowly without going berserko and becoming obsessed. My yoga DVD is nowhere near a great workout, but just holding some stretches and breathing deeply seems like such a radical shift from where I've been. I'm actually paying attention to my body and trying to take care of it, even if I'm just lying there in child pose. And I know I need to pound some pavement and do some sweating, and while Turbo Jam is really hard and hurts my arms so much I feel like I cannot lift them which is sort of awesome, I know I need to diversify and do different active things on a regular basis.
This is where my head is. As I've been thinking about all of this lately, I came across this post, and it really spoke to me, especially the part about getting down on yourself when you start paying attention to your body again and really become conscious of how far you have to go to get into shape. I want to somehow be positive about this experience, but it's hard.
I've loved "Shame" by the Avett Brothers since I first heard it just because it's a kick-ass song, but I was listening to it on the way to work this week, and it says, "Shame, boatloads of shame, day after day, more of the same. Blame, please lift it off, please take it off, please make it stop," and suddenly in my head the song became about me and the way I've been treating myself. I'm tired of feeling shame and blaming myself for becoming unhealthy (even though it's my fault). (You can hear this most excellent song here.)
I want to put a new spin on things and not think about what I've been doing these past many months but think about the times when I most healthy and strong -- my sister reminded me, "You ran a half-marathon!" And I did! I still cannot believe that I did that. I don't want to keep shaming and blaming about how far I've fallen since then. I don't want to think about all of the times I've decided to start getting healthy and stopped or just not bothered starting in the first place. I want to remember that then is then and now is now, and now is what counts.
I just want to take care of my body so it will take me a long way through this life. I want to feel good about myself.
I took the stairs today at work and thought I might have a heart attack, but I did it. That's a start, right?
There is a pattern in my life (and others' lives, I'd imagine) where sometimes I care about eating well and physical fitness and sometimes I don't.
I've been holding steady in a "don't" period for longer than I care to admit. But here I am! Admitting it! I've felt removed from my body, almost disassociated from it, for a long time now. I've felt it getting softer and bigger and watched what limited leg muscles I had turn smooshy and I've watched my stomach become its own bizarre non-pregnant-but-looks-it entity, and I've ordered the French fries and eaten the daily Twix bars and drunk the Blue Moons and I've been fully aware that what I've been doing is totally unhealthy and yet I've been doing it anyway, for months and months and months. I've watched my clothes stop fitting right or at all. And somehow, at the same time, I found it very disturbing while somehow not caring, all the while wondering how that dichotomy was possible.
And then, recently, I came to my senses. I bought a Turbo Jam DVD, inspired by Linda. I pulled out my old yoga DVD. I'm planning to go to the gym this weekend. I've been trying to eat daily the amount of food a normal person eats in a day instead of three or four days' worth of food. I've tried to stop grazing. I've tried to eat things that are good for me. I skipped the cake and ice cream at a work birthday party.
I haven't had a Twix all week. This is unprecedented in 2008. Maybe even 2007.
I'm trying to take it slowly without going berserko and becoming obsessed. My yoga DVD is nowhere near a great workout, but just holding some stretches and breathing deeply seems like such a radical shift from where I've been. I'm actually paying attention to my body and trying to take care of it, even if I'm just lying there in child pose. And I know I need to pound some pavement and do some sweating, and while Turbo Jam is really hard and hurts my arms so much I feel like I cannot lift them which is sort of awesome, I know I need to diversify and do different active things on a regular basis.
This is where my head is. As I've been thinking about all of this lately, I came across this post, and it really spoke to me, especially the part about getting down on yourself when you start paying attention to your body again and really become conscious of how far you have to go to get into shape. I want to somehow be positive about this experience, but it's hard.
I've loved "Shame" by the Avett Brothers since I first heard it just because it's a kick-ass song, but I was listening to it on the way to work this week, and it says, "Shame, boatloads of shame, day after day, more of the same. Blame, please lift it off, please take it off, please make it stop," and suddenly in my head the song became about me and the way I've been treating myself. I'm tired of feeling shame and blaming myself for becoming unhealthy (even though it's my fault). (You can hear this most excellent song here.)
I want to put a new spin on things and not think about what I've been doing these past many months but think about the times when I most healthy and strong -- my sister reminded me, "You ran a half-marathon!" And I did! I still cannot believe that I did that. I don't want to keep shaming and blaming about how far I've fallen since then. I don't want to think about all of the times I've decided to start getting healthy and stopped or just not bothered starting in the first place. I want to remember that then is then and now is now, and now is what counts.
I just want to take care of my body so it will take me a long way through this life. I want to feel good about myself.
I took the stairs today at work and thought I might have a heart attack, but I did it. That's a start, right?
posted by eliza @ 7:28 PM
4 Comments:
Ugh, I feel you. I went through a "do" period about a year after my daughter was born. It lasted about six months. I trained for a 5k and lost most of the baby weight. Then came Christmas...
Now I'm pregnant again so all bets are off, but I'm hoping I can get back into a "do" stage more quickly after this kid arrives.
Don't feel ashamed! You should feel proud that you're aware of what you're doing and that you're making changes...it's beyond what many people do.
Thanks Jana! Congrats on your pregnancy, and thanks for the moral support!
Taking the stairs is an excellent start. The thing about exercising and taking care of yourself, that once you start it feeds off itself. The more you exercise, the better you feel and the more you want to do. You've done it before and it sounds like you're ready to hop back on the wagon. Good luck!
Thanks, Frank! I think you hit the nail on the head.
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