There's a trickle of sweat
I am feeling very tubby lately.
Last October, I was finishing up the one-hour running program and getting ready to start the half-marathon training. I can't believe it's been only a year and I have descended this far into slothitude. Pants I bought last October no longer fit me. I can barely button my formerly loosest pants. It's a sad state of affairs. It's no big mystery - I haven't exercised regularly in months and have been eating my way through autumn. I loved my crazy exercise class for a while and went semi-faithfully, but it's all fallen by the wayside.
It's strange; I miss what it felt like to dedicate myself to the running programs and to have the routine and even the running, at least the outside running because I loved the damn scenery, but I feel like I ran solely to accomplish the goals of the 5K, one hour running program, and half-marathon, and once I'd done that, it felt like something I didn't want to do anymore. But I have to do something. Seriously. It's just unseemly and unhealthy, what my body has turned into this fall. I am actually beginning to gross myself out with the ballooning state of my stomach, and that is a terrible feeling. I'm not trying to hate on myself, but pants do not lie, and there's no reason for me to be descending into this spiral of blubbery. Mainly, I want to focus on how much saner and more productive I felt in all areas of my life when it was framed by an exercise-related structure. Healthy body=healthy mind and all that jazz.
Today I sat in class and was so uncomfortable as layers of tubbiness rolled over the top of my khaki cords that I loved and wore so much last year. I could see the rolls bulging out from inside my very cute new pink argyle sweater from Target, and I shifted and shifted, trying to feel better in my skin. I don't like feeling this way. For the first time in I can't even remember how long, I am feeling intensely sad about my body.
(Sidebar: Something that made me intensely happy was seeing Urinetown. I knew I would love it based solely on my deep and abiding love for "Run, Freedom, Run!" but that was the only song I knew going into it, so the rest was just a pleasant surprise. What a fun, funny, great show. I laughed and laughed, and I loved the music, and the cast was fantastic, and their voices were terrific, and it was a very satisfying night of musical theater. And it was exciting that it was happening locally. Just ... enjoyable. A good night of musical theater is amazing therapy.)
This afternoon, I did what I have not done in so long. I put on my exercise clothes and strapped on my sneakers and got my iPod, recently loaded with the Urinetown soundtrack, and I headed out for a walk. Not a run, but a nice, brisk walk for thirty solid minutes. We have less than a week left that I'll be able to do that after work, and I made myself go. I listened to that great soundtrack in addition to some other fine showtunes such as "Oh, What a Beautiful Morning" even though it was dusk, and I watched the sun falling and all of the exercising maniacs all around me, and I said to myself, "Remember? Remember when you did this for months and months, only you weren't walking, you were running? What happened to you?" I tried not to feel ashamed but rather lucky to have the time to be outside on such a beautiful afternoon and to feel my legs getting sore and myself breaking a little sweat for the first time in God knows how long. Tonight, for dinner, I had a nice plate of roast and brown rice and peas and corn from my mom and I didn't go back for seconds. I passed on the moo-llennium crunch. I don't want to become obsessive, and I don't want to beat myself up too much. I just want to take better care of myself and start being a little kinder to my body, even if it's just a little bit at a time.
Last October, I was finishing up the one-hour running program and getting ready to start the half-marathon training. I can't believe it's been only a year and I have descended this far into slothitude. Pants I bought last October no longer fit me. I can barely button my formerly loosest pants. It's a sad state of affairs. It's no big mystery - I haven't exercised regularly in months and have been eating my way through autumn. I loved my crazy exercise class for a while and went semi-faithfully, but it's all fallen by the wayside.
It's strange; I miss what it felt like to dedicate myself to the running programs and to have the routine and even the running, at least the outside running because I loved the damn scenery, but I feel like I ran solely to accomplish the goals of the 5K, one hour running program, and half-marathon, and once I'd done that, it felt like something I didn't want to do anymore. But I have to do something. Seriously. It's just unseemly and unhealthy, what my body has turned into this fall. I am actually beginning to gross myself out with the ballooning state of my stomach, and that is a terrible feeling. I'm not trying to hate on myself, but pants do not lie, and there's no reason for me to be descending into this spiral of blubbery. Mainly, I want to focus on how much saner and more productive I felt in all areas of my life when it was framed by an exercise-related structure. Healthy body=healthy mind and all that jazz.
Today I sat in class and was so uncomfortable as layers of tubbiness rolled over the top of my khaki cords that I loved and wore so much last year. I could see the rolls bulging out from inside my very cute new pink argyle sweater from Target, and I shifted and shifted, trying to feel better in my skin. I don't like feeling this way. For the first time in I can't even remember how long, I am feeling intensely sad about my body.
(Sidebar: Something that made me intensely happy was seeing Urinetown. I knew I would love it based solely on my deep and abiding love for "Run, Freedom, Run!" but that was the only song I knew going into it, so the rest was just a pleasant surprise. What a fun, funny, great show. I laughed and laughed, and I loved the music, and the cast was fantastic, and their voices were terrific, and it was a very satisfying night of musical theater. And it was exciting that it was happening locally. Just ... enjoyable. A good night of musical theater is amazing therapy.)
This afternoon, I did what I have not done in so long. I put on my exercise clothes and strapped on my sneakers and got my iPod, recently loaded with the Urinetown soundtrack, and I headed out for a walk. Not a run, but a nice, brisk walk for thirty solid minutes. We have less than a week left that I'll be able to do that after work, and I made myself go. I listened to that great soundtrack in addition to some other fine showtunes such as "Oh, What a Beautiful Morning" even though it was dusk, and I watched the sun falling and all of the exercising maniacs all around me, and I said to myself, "Remember? Remember when you did this for months and months, only you weren't walking, you were running? What happened to you?" I tried not to feel ashamed but rather lucky to have the time to be outside on such a beautiful afternoon and to feel my legs getting sore and myself breaking a little sweat for the first time in God knows how long. Tonight, for dinner, I had a nice plate of roast and brown rice and peas and corn from my mom and I didn't go back for seconds. I passed on the moo-llennium crunch. I don't want to become obsessive, and I don't want to beat myself up too much. I just want to take better care of myself and start being a little kinder to my body, even if it's just a little bit at a time.
posted by eliza @ 8:29 PM
6 Comments:
Slow and steady is the way to ease back into it. Consistency is the key. Good luck with it. i think you have the right attitude about it all.
Hey there eliza-
I know how you feel. After my marathon I stopped running too. You'll get back into it, even if it's differnt than before. You're on the right track!
Ugh, I feel the same way lately. And even though it has been absolutely gorgeous here in the mountains lately, all I want to do is sit around and eat miniature snickers I bought for the trick or treaters! I've always been slender, love running, biking, hiking but am in such a slump. Time to fire up the iPod. Thanks for the inspiration.
I'm in the middle of a running program, and can already feel myself wanting to quit as soon as it is over. But this post inspired me to keep it up at least in some way.
"Little bits at a time" is a great way to make changes. I was recently inspired by this blog post from Christine Kane which talks about being willing to do things slowly and imperfectly: http://christinekane.com/blog/allowing-imperfection/
We've all gotta start somewhere. I'm glad you're willing to get back into a place that feels better for you.
Eliza, it sounds like you have so much going on right now that you don't have the energy to work out on a regular basis. You might try taking a look at your current priorities in life, and then maybe rearrange them a little...
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