Running worries & happies

Here are some things I'm worried about relative to the half-marathon.

Fatigue: I don't know if I am strong enough to make it 13 miles. I've run 7 and 8 and 9 and 10 twice and 11 once and that's all swell, but by the end of those 10-mile and 11-mile runs, I was basically delirious and hallucinating, so I am kind of worried about 13+. How do people run whole marathons? I'll never know. I'm worried most about my hips because they've basically felt like they're bursting into flames by the end of my long runs. Maybe I should take some Motrin or Ibuprofen in advance? Maybe that will help. I have this stupid idea that it's wrong to stop to walk (except on a bathroom or Gatorade stop), and I am worried that I will feel like a failure if I just poop out and have to take a walking break or two. I have a lot of anxiety about this because I tell myself that anyone can walk 13 miles but that I've gone through all of this fucking running training to actually be able to try to run 13 miles and that it will have all been a big waste of time if I have to take walking breaks. I know this is crazy but it's the truth.

Crowds: I've only run in one other race since starting all of this training last April, and we got lost and were 10 minutes late to the starting line, so I ran with only 2 other people, which was fun but was not exactly a good indicator of what it's like to run en masse. I'm kind of worried because I am technically running but will easily be slow enough to be grouped in with the walkers and I don't know, I'm just kind of anxious about the other people aspect of this thing. I would really like not to miss the beginning of the race this time.

Weather: The forecast calls for severe thunderstorms. I'm not the best runner in the most ideal, perfect weather, so this concerns me. I will plan to bring a hat to keep the rain out of my eyes. Surely the race will not be canceled due to weather. What would thousands of people in the streets in running clothes do in that case? I guess find some place to eat. Or get drunk. It rained for the 5K, but that was pretty much a drizzle by the time we got to the starting line. We were wet, but it's not like there was zero visibility or something. I'm not sure how I will manage my breathing if there is rain shooting up my nose.

Illness: My boyfriend's fighting a bad sinus infection and might not be well enough to run. This saddens and alarms me because I know he wants to and I want that for him, and I also want that for me because the thought of facing this experience alone makes me very scared.

The Bathroom Situation: I spend more time worrying about this than any other issue related to the race. There is no way I can make it that many hours and miles without stopping to use the bathroom. And I fear porta-potties more than just about anything on earth except for cockroaches. Bathroom germs are at the heart of my germophobia, and porta-potties are ground zero for the most disgusting bathrooms in existence. I can't even really think about it or I feel like I'm going to black out. I've thought about bringing miniature bottles of hand sanitizer or travel wet wipes in my pockets so I can at least clean my hands after going in there and having to touch the door handle. I know that this makes me very insane but I can't help it. I think about porta-potties and want to die. I tell myself that I can hold it for the duration, but I know that I am lying to myself. Ugh.

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Here are some things that I have enjoyed while training for this race:

Music: I've mostly listened to the same songs on my shuffle over and over, but I've never really grown tired of them. They're like old friends now. I hear the opening chords of Mike Doughty's "I Hear the Bells" and know that I can make it through that one because I love it so much. I feel like the guys in Green Day are my brothers, so familiar has Nimrod grown in the past few weeks thanks to copying my boyfriend's CD. "The Speed Test" from Thoroughly Modern Millie is a great running song because it gets faster as it goes and makes me feel like I can do that, too. There are so many, and they have really been my friends throughout this. Running has been very much a solo gig for me, not counting the panting comrades of the gym whose faces and sweaty strides I've grown all too familiar with, and these singers and songs have been totally my companions. I don't care how cheesy that sounds. I guess I might have to leave the shuffle at home if the thunderstorms really are that severe -- and I know many people think running with music in a race is really rude and dangerous anyway -- but that will pretty much break my heart.

Watching Good TV at the Gym: I've been pretty good at timing my trips to the gym for when I know I can get control of a TV that has a good show on it. I ran my first 8-miler during a Bravo marathon of Friday Night Lights one rainy weekend, which was fantastic. I've spent mostly every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday night there since Daylight Savings Time ended in October, so my viewings of things like Gilmore Girls and Friday Night Lights and Ugly Betty and The Office this season are totally linked in closed-captioned memories to those goddamn treadmills and the other people working out at the gym. I know which people like the fans to be on and which ones don't, I know the people who don't care what channel the TV is on because they're reading a magazine or talking on their cell phones, and I know which men to avoid like the plague because their sweat flies so furiously that it hits my eyeballs.

The Great Outdoors: Before the time change and on weekends when the weather has been nice, I've loved running outside. The egrets, the pelicans, the flowers, the other runners, the bikers. The old lady who walks her giant labradoodle who always, always walks with a small travel-sized green umbrella in his mouth. I wonder how he breathes or pants with it in his mouth like that, but he seems to take the job very seriously and be happy doing it. Really, the dogs have been enjoyable overall. I am lucky to live in an area that is pretty amazing for outdoor exercise, and I told myself that over and over when I would want to give up and would remember my sister up there in the tundra and how she'd really like to run outside in the winter but can't or her throat might freeze shut.

The Training as Its Own Reward: I think that is kind of a dumb way to put it, but that's just the way it is. Until last April, I had long been in a funk of no exercise. Ever. Zero. And I was miserable a lot of the time and wondered what was wrong with me that I could not bring myself to participate in this way of life that everyone around me seemed to do without giving it a second thought. I dragged myself to the start of Couch to 5K and then through One Hour Runner and then into the half-marathon training program and even though my body has not been magically transformed into some state of fiery physical fitness, I feel like my mind and my dare I say spirit have been transformed. Because I made myself do something that I knew I wouldn't enjoy and I didn't quit. And because sometimes I even enjoyed it a little bit. Not that often, but sometimes. And even though I have mostly not liked running, I know that it is good for my heart and my mind, and I like that very much.

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In closing, tonight's 2-mile run was the last one of my training, and it was pretty awesome. I felt energetic and happy and the weather could not have been more perfectly warm and cool and sunny. The best part was seeing a familiar car approach and recognizing my dad, who spotted me on his way home and stopped to say hi. I jogged in place and panted that I couldn't stop or I would never start again (true), so he just told me I looked great and outstretched his arm through the car window to hand me one of his homemade oven-roasted peanuts, which he was snacking on from a bag in his lap. Of all my running moments, that was definitely one of my favorites.