Motionless
I was driving over some water recently and did what I usually do ... I unlocked my doors. I always unlock my doors. That way, if my car goes over the railing and I end up submerged under the water and the locks malfunction, I'll be able to open my door when the car settles and escape. I've heard conflicting reports about this ... some news show I saw said never to wait for the car to settle and to go ahead and start rolling down the window the moment the car starts going over and swim out before the car has time to settle because by then you'll be dead. But someone who survived going over the railings recently not far from here waited for the car to settle and opened the door and swam to the surface. These are the kinds of thoughts I have while driving over water. I thought to myself that I need to get one of those car escape tools. Then I thought that I want everyone I love to have one, so maybe I should buy all of them one for Christmas. Then I thought about how crazy they'd think I was if I gave them something like that as a gift and what the look on their faces would be when they opened it.
I never delete voicemails. I always save them. I know they eventually get deleted automatically a few days down the line, but I can't bring myself to be the one who deletes the messages because I think about the person who left me the voicemail dying and what it would feel like to know that I erased the chance to hear his or her voice one more time.
Lately I've been trying to mentally compile all of the things I'm afraid of. These are two. Oh, and one more is the overwhelming craving I'm having for candy corn lately, coupled with the strong compulsion I sometimes have to eat raw whole wheat spirelli noodles straight out of the box.
I've decided that Marian Keyes has written her last good book. Years ago, even. Anybody Out There? is not good. It's irritating and way, way too long. Does anyone want it? I'll mail it to you.
I am enjoying the ease of updating this way, but I do miss having "previous entry" and "next entry" links. I want to have them again, but I'm not sure how. If someone knows how to do this, will you please tell me?
Even though I don't enjoy the act of exercising, I'm realizing that I have to keep doing it because it's the only thing that keeps me from hating (a) myself and (b) everyone else in the entire world. I'm not sure that's the best motivation, but it's pretty much the only thing that works for me these days.
I can't stop listening to the song "Paperweight" on the soundtrack to The Last Kiss.
I'm feeling full of anger and sadness today. I'm thinking about the thousands of people who died five years ago and all of the loved ones left behind. I read somewhere that September 11, 2001, brought forth so much goodwill from the rest of the world in how it reached out to us and that we've since squandered that goodwill, and that's the truest and most depressing thing I've thought about in quite some time. How dare we? How dare we. How dare this nation re-elect George W. Bush? I mean, WHAT THE HELL? It makes me cry.
Puke.
And I just read that the Weepies will be opening for the Indigo Girls on tour soon. Nowhere anywhere close to here. Which makes me want to cry some more. Maybe it's selfish and wrong to cry over such things. But missing out on music that fills our hearts and makes us think and imagine? That's something worth crying over in this short damn life, isn't it? Maybe not. But it feels like it. At least right now.
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on
Labels: heavy
posted by eliza @ 5:28 PM
3 Comments:
I exercise mostly because it allows me to eat more. Diet? Eh, ok. I avoid fats, refined carbs, and track my intake, but if it weren't for exercise, I'd never lose an ounce.
On th at car/water thing, I'd think the whole get out of the car sooner vs later would depend on the depth of water you're sinking in. The deeper the water, the sooner I'd want to get out. Up north, temperature is a motivating factor too.
Hey, I've done the car-in-the-water thing! I wrote a little about it years ago, here: http://knitho.radicalmirrors.com/?p=78
In short, I went off the road and rolled the car down a riverbank, and ended up upside-down in the river. In Vermont, in January. Cold. I remember swearing really loudly when the car went off the road, and I remember the car getting caught, briefly, on a sapling tree -- I had time to remember the bit about waiting for the car to sink before trying to open the doors, and then the tree breaking and the feeling of falling. I remember hitting the water, and then nothing at all until I was out of the car, standing on my tiptoes on a rock on the river, water up to my shoulders, and the car sunk behind me. I have no clue how I got out, exactly, except that it was through the back door. The windshield was smashed in, but I don't remember water coming in -- which it must have, since the car was upside-down. I don't remember getting out of my seatbelt. I do know I'd prefer to never do that again!
I REMEMBER THIS. I remember this now, but I think I blocked it out because it was so scary. I am so glad you are okay. It makes me hold my breath to think about this happening to you.
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