The Last Puke

I'm trying to think of the words I could use to convey how much I hated The Last Kiss. I'm not sure it's possible.

This entire entry is full of spoilers.

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I guess I'll start with what I didn't hate about it. Blythe Danner was great. Luminous, even. Loved her. Jacinda Barrett was surprisingly fantastic. I mean, FANTASTIC. She cried and raged so well. She impressed me. And Tom Wilkinson can do no wrong, ever, in my opinion.

I think that overall I found Zach Braff's character so lame, pathetic, and unredeemable that I couldn't see much past it. Kind of like with L'Enfant. Sure, Zach Braff didn't sell his baby, but he was still a first-class prick.

I get that he was freaking out about the future. I get that an unplanned pregnancy and turning thirty could cause some freak-outs within. But I can't understand how I, as a viewer and as a woman, am supposed to be able to stomach his repeated lying, his premeditated deception, and his after-the-fact continuing to lie until flat-out busted -- and I certainly can't reckon how we are supposed to look back and consider it forgivable that he actually had the good sense to go home before screwing Rachel Bilson, and then, when caught by his nice, pretty, pregnant girlfriend who was understandably and justifiably upset that he completely and totally lied to her face and tried to get his friends to lie for him and fully went on a date with and made out with another woman, and a hot college student at that, he got so angry at her in response to HER anger (unfairly, immaturely, and ridiculously) and at what he, like a hateful and condescending bastard, deemed her "over-reaction," that he then returned to said hot college student's dorm room and fucked her brains out, and then after realizing that she was, while hot, practically a teen, and he was an idiot, and lo, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with his beautiful, kind, pregnant, educated girlfriend of three years with whom he had a pretty great life -- what? We're supposed to believe that a few days of curling up on the porch in the rain qualifies as remorse and a basis for forgiveness? Oh, give me a big fat fucking break! I don't buy it. I don't think even Zach Braff as an actor bought it, so phoned in was his performance.

I felt so satisfied and like all was right with the world when she told him through the door that she didn't think she could forgive him. I thought, well, of course not. He was a complete clown and jackass and his epiphany was one that could have been reached by an utter imbecile. Hmmm...hot, young, semi-vapid college student with whom I have nothing in common whom I already had sex with so there's really nothing else to gain from that idiocy or lovely girlfriend whom I love who by the way is having my kid? Are we supposed to think that's truly a decision he had to dig down deep to make? It's the biggest "duh" I've ever heard of, and if we're supposed to find him commendable for coming to that obvious and should-not-have-had-to-lie-like-a-rug-and-fuck-the-20-year-old-to-reach-it conclusion, well, this movie can vigorously and enthusiastically suck it.

I really wanted to like this movie. The soundtrack is good. As I mentioned, Blythe and Jacinda and Tom Wilkinson were very good, and the guys who played his friends, especially Casey Affleck (pointless though their parts might have been, overall), were good. But ugh. I was growing more and more enraged as my boyfriend and I discussed it when it was over and I was like, "What kind of message does this send to men and women? That men can feel afraid of commitment, cheat with prepubescent hussies, realize they've got it made at home AFTER they've gotten their jollies out in the vagina of someone like Summer from The O.C. and blasted their partner's hopes, dreams, heart, and trust to smithereens in the process, and then be taken back because it's acceptable as a full-grown adult to behave in this reprehensible, dog-like way because they're 'scared'? What? What? This offends me as a woman!" He said I can't act like this movie was made to send such sociological messages and that it was just meant to be entertaining, but it wasn't entertaining to me. It just made me angry and a little bit sick. I can't recommend it because when that door swung open in the end, I wanted to barf inside my popcorn bag. And had I had a popcorn bag, I just might have done so.

Edited to add: I just read my first review of the movie, this one, and, as usual: Amen, Pajiba. Amen.

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